kinda sad, kinda empty

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*Let’s get this shitshow started* It’s been a while since I’ve posted. It’s been a while since I’ve even sat at my computer and written. It’s been a while since I’ve done anything remotely productive really.

There have been so many times in the past month to month and a half where I’ve opened up WordPress  and wanted to write, where I tried to write. I even started a post in my drafts a week or two ago, and just wasn’t motivated to finish it. Although I haven’t really been motivated to do much of anything recently, it’s whatever.

I stopped going to work almost entirely. In the last month that I was working I think I went 5 days. I was sick at first and then I was just encapsulated by my bed. I’ve been sleeping day in and day out. The left side of my face is littered with blemishes due to it spending so much time with my pillow. I sleep so much yet the bags under my eyes are more prominent than ever.  And if I wasn’t sleeping, I was moping and laying in bed, only emerging from my fortress to use the bathroom. Half the time I don’t know what day it is, despite it being displayed every time I tap the home button on my iPhone.

I’m not eating, drinking, exercising, I’m not doing anything. I’ve lost 8 pounds in the last month.

I’m depressed. I’m not sure why, but I am. Being at home makes me depressed. I have to be home for at least the next 4 months too. And to be completely and utterly honest with all of you, I don’t want to be depressed for the next 4 months.

It’s funny, at least I think it’s funny. I was sad and empty and depressed for years. It’s like I was trapped. I was hollow. It was as if every second of my life more of my insides were widdled away, until there was nothing left to hollow out.

Then I left my small Chicago suburb for San Diego and it was as if I had never been sad in my entire life. A weight, a forlorn weight, had been lifted off my shoulders and I was free. I was happy, I smiled. I smiled real smiles. I laughed real laughs.  I was truly happy. I don’t smile at home. At least not real smiles. I plaster on the occasional fake smile every once in a while so people don’t think I’m as desolate as I really am. The only things I laugh at now are pointless vines my sister shows me. And I am definitely not happy. I have been home for only 3 months and in those 3 months all of my happiness has diminished and it was like I had never gone to California in the first place.

My hair is brown. I dyed it the other day. I thought that would make me at least a little happy. It didn’t.

I haven’t washed my hair since we dyed it and the only reason I showered then was because I had to rinse the excess dye out. The shirt I’m wearing is dirty. I only put it on today so it looked like I showered and put on clothes. It has a stain on it from the last time I wore it(tea I think) and it has a stain I got on it from eating some leftover pasta at my 10:00 dinner tonight. My face is clean. It’s only clean because I found a face mask and wanted to try it. The mask said to apply to clean skin.

One of my eyebrows is tweezed. The other, I lost any spur to do it, so I didn’t. I haven’t worn a bra in days and I live in sweatpants now.

I’m not sure what this post is about. I really don’t. I don’t want pity. I don’t know what I want. It’s sort of just a life update post, a pretty pathetic one at that.

It’s 1:30 in the morning right now so I’m feeling kinda emo, but I just want to feel things. I don’t want this hollow feeling coursing through my body every second of the day. I want to be able to feel. I want to feel joy, rage, repugnance, dismay hell even melancholy.I just want to feel something, anything. Because right now this hollow pit  has encapsulated my entire being and is dragging me to places I don’t want to be dragged.

I just think I miss being happy, being able to feel. But until I get those abilities back, you can catch me laying in bed in week old sweatpants, unkempt hair, with my Shrek pillow pet.

Until next time
Alicia

Silence

Silence. Quiet. Mute. Quietude. Still. Tranquility. Noiseless. Absence of sound.

Silence. This term is typically seen as unnerving. Why is this? Is it because our teachers silenced us when we were in trouble with a swift index finger to their lips? Or maybe because we have so much to say in such little time and we’re willing to keep noisy to let anyone and everyone hear what’s on our minds, no matter how pointless?

Society has coined the term ‘awkward silences’ to show our dismay for the state. Why is it that we need constant noise, constant interaction? Why can’t we appreciate those short spurts of quiet, alone, peace?

No children screeching in the distance, no barking animals and hissing cats. No hustle and bustle of people living. No constant buzz or bing of smart phones. No parents or friends trying to interrupt whatever it is I’m doing.

The idea of quiet, silence, scares some people. It liberates me. I love being able to curl up with a book, or a pen and paper,  sat on a sofa or chair, and the only noises I can hear are birds chirping, the current of the river, and me turning the pages as I delve deep into my novel.

I believe silence is necessary. Whether you’re alone or with people. To think, question, reflect. It’s a calming thing, silence is, and I think too many people take silence for granted.Alicia

Alicia

2016: Expectations vs Reality

A week ago (? ish) I read a post about the expectations of 2016 vs the reality of 2016 by lifeofaninspiredteen and really related. 2016 has been a pretty intense year. From changing my major 3 (?) times, finishing my freshman year of high school, getting my first big girl job, etc. etc.

On New Year’s Day or a few days after, I posted a New Year’s Resolution post of sorts and almost all of the things on there are exactly what are on my summer bucket list. As in they have yet to be done, or I have kept up with them so far and need to continue my streak. So I’m doing pretty good there. However, those aren’t really substantial… more like get a new piercing and meet my step goal everyday not decide what to do with your life.

My expectations were a lot different than the reality. It’s July. By this time in 2016 I figured I would have gotten a job at the Fruitful Yield (health food store by my house), been registered for classes at ASU and started gathering things I would need for my aunt’s house, have painted my room at home, gotten straight A’s at SDSU, gotten a boyfriend (haaaha), slimmed down a bit, and had started looking for engineering scholarships, internships, clubs, etc. I also thought I would be saving money to join the sorority of my choosing at ASU.

The harsh reality:

Job: The Fruitful Yield requires at least one year of job experience which apparently nannying is not, So, I’m working for my dad in a warehouse, packing marshmallows and cutting myself on cardboard boxes every 15 minutes (no joke I bled 3 times today *upside down smiley emoji*).

ASU: hahaha we all know that my life is a mess and picking a college I will excel at is just too large of a task to handle.

Aunt’s house: I may be living with her in the fall and taking classes online so I don’t have to live at home and keep working at the warehouse but I really don’t know yet. So, we may be on track but we also may not be.

Painted room: HA HA HA no. Before I left for college my sister and I switched rooms because I knew I wouldn’t be at home that often. Her room has been yellow since we bought the house and I really hate the color. I just want white… IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! I don’t know. I did tell my dad that if I do end up staying home I either get to paint this room or move all of my stuff to the basement

Straight A’s: College is hard and not getting a 4.0 is okay and I am accepting it. Adjusting to college is difficult, let alone taking upper division and honors courses. Straight A’s will come. Just study and be patient.

Boyfriend: LOL

Slimmed down: I have lost 20 ish pounds this year since going vegan and really taking care of myself. I’ll get to where I want to be but loving my current self is definitely more important than anything else right now.

Engineering: I’ve posted about wanting to do engineering for some time, realizing I never actually did want to become an engineer and changing my major to something i actually want to do. So, now it’s time to start looking for spanish clubs, scholarships, and internships :’)

Sorority: I have decided that I don’t need to pay money to find friends and really great friends will come naturally. Also, I have become more and more introverted as time has gone on and I don;t have the energy for going out 4 nights of the week and still be expected to hang out with them during the rest of the week too. Just me, and not hating on sororities, My DZ girls were super nice and loving and the sorority life just isn’t or me. Do whatever y’all want.

So, while 2016 has had a few bumps in the road, I’m pretty content with where I am right now and am definitely going to do another one of these posts as 2016 comes to a close. Thanks again to lifeofaninspitedteen for making this post originally and inspiring me 🙂

Alicia

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July 4th, 10:06am

10:06 am, the first firework has been heard.Seated on the porch of my grandpa’s house, shoes off, reading a novel, and there it is. It is officially the 4th of July, America’s birthday.

On this day, we celebrate freedom, pride, and the ability to light fireworkds, hoping to not blow off a child’s leg.

Yet, why is it, that just a few homes down, confederate flags are still hung high? Why is it that people are killed everyday because of our lack of gun control? Why is it that the term Democrat or Republican will determine who we can be civil with? Why is it that the term home of the free is stated across the country but when someone wants to be free to use the bathroom they identify with, they can’t? When did the term “freedom and justce for all” become “fredom and justice for those who can afford it”? When did celebrating the birth of the free nation become a day to wallow in beer and see who can blow off the biggest firewroks without having the cops called on them?

America has a lot of issues, but their biggest is being a hypocrite. We wanted a country where every citizen could have religious freedom, political freedom, a freedom of speech, etc. Yet, unless you are a devout, weekly church going Christian, you’re looked down upon. You can’t speak of your political views without some shit pile calling you out and saying everything you believe in is wrong and you’re an idiot for having beliefs. Speaking your mind is basically walking on eggshells because you can’t say anything without half of your facebook friends getting offended.

Everyone says how much they love America, one day a year. The other 364 days a year we bicker, fight, and hate on everyone in the enire country. We can’t get along, we never have. We are still just as divided as we were during the days of the Civil War. And, as far as I can see, nothing is going to change any time soon.

It just infuraites me that we can have so much love for a country, one day a year, and then every other day act as if we aren’t citizens of the same country. As a country that some call the “melting pot,” we really should be called “picky child’s plate who throws what she doesn’ like on the ground” because in all honesty, that’s what we are. And I don’t know about everyone else, but I for one, hate it.

But, Happy 4th of July everyone. Glad we’re all civil today, can’t wait for every Republican and 2nd ammendment enforcer to go back to hating me in a mere 9 hours.

Alicia

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One month social media free: An update

Exactly 4 weeks today, I bid adieu to all of my social media accounts: Vine, Pinterest, Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. 4 weeks without knowing if Jessica hates her boyfriend, 4 weeks without seeing birthday posts accompanied with mini novels written by best friends. 4 whole weeks without seeing political posts, shooting stats, and baby goats. Now, out of all of it, the only thing I really miss are the baby goats. But let’s all be honest with ourselves, who wouldn’t?

Being absent from social media has taught me a lot of things. However the main one is that my main communication with friends is through social media. Commenting each other in funny instagram photos, reply tweeting and my goodness snapchatting.

I would snapchat constantly with anywhere from 10-15 people at a time. I found that it took my attention away from other things: going to bed on time, being with family, being with other friends, and school work especially.

I hate to admit this, but I am one of those “sharer or political post” people on Facebook. I do like to even it out with videos of baby animals and the occasional vegan post or two. However, when people would comment back (I am totally fine with people sharing their opinions and agreeing to disagree) they would be so rude and absolutely refuse to believe that people can have views opposing their own and would really bring me down. Also, people constantly feel the need to get offended at any little detail and make a big deal out of everything. Not only that, but people are constantly in everyone’s business and not having to see the photo album of prom 2016 which consists of the same photo 500 times just with a different person’s eyes closed.

Twitter and Instagram: I would always check the latest tweets and photos whenever all other social medias began to bore me, I wanted to procrastinate, and even in class and during break at work. I would be glued to my phone at any free period of my day. Without it, I am seeing new things (on my way home from work yesterday I saw a community college that I had never been aware existed) and talking and listening more to people around me. I must also seem more respectful seeing as my phone is not in my hand 24/7 and am actually paying attention to my surroundings and the people around me.

My phone has for so long been my safety blanket. So much that when I was at school I would find the need to bring it down with me to put my laundry in the washer/dryer. My whole journey was less than 5 minutes and it was all walking up/down stairs and actually doing laundry. I rarely used it on my laundry trek but I still felt the need to have it at my hip.

Now, I rarely use it, I play a few games: candy crush, solitaire, sudoku (‘m old don’t judge me) and when I need a quick picture, google, and to check my email. Life without social media has really opened to my eyes and made me realize that social media isn’t the only thing in life. Yeah they’re great to keep you updated and see what your friends are doing if you don’t talk to them everyday, but when you become dependent on it, that’s when it becomes an issue.

Alicia

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June Reflection

From turning 19, to starting my new job, June has been quite an intense and busy month. Not only has it been busy, tiring, and all around hectic, it has been quite eye opening. I’ve learned a lot, done a lot, and slept a lot :/. All in all, I loved June.

Starting my first big girl job, technically began on May 31st… but that’s basically June. It has been tortuous and hard but I have learned a lot about hard work and met a lot of wonderful people. So, despite it being rough and my body still aching every day after work, I do like my job. I do not think, however, that I could do this longer than a summer.

This month I made the decision to give up social media. And my oh my was that the best decision of the summer. I am happier, more social, and while not up to date on everything, I have been able to focus more on myself which is something I typically don’t do.

Speaking of focusing on myself, I was finally able to pinpoint aspects of my life I was not content with. Not only that, but I also had the courage to discuss these things. Yes, I am talking about my college conundrum.

I typically am able to speak up for myself when I’m not happy with something, however, when it’s your family who wants you to do something and is paying the vast majority of tuition to do that something, you tend to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. My whole life I had excelled at everything math and science. Out of over 100 students my freshman year, I was ranked #4 for my algebra class. It’s a pretty solid accomplishment, especially since I was adapting to a new environment and still managed to get almost a 100% in the class. Anyways, it’s something I am naturally good at. Naturally, my family assumed I would do something in the math and science field and wanted me to do so in order to get a high paying job. It took every ounce of courage and bravery to stand up to my family and tell them I wanted to do something completely out of that ballpark and I’m so proud of myself for doing that and overcoming this obstacle in my life.

Finally, I turned 19. A pretty insignificant year if you ask me. One year closer to 21, but also one year closer to adulthood. Nonetheless, I turned 19 and had the delight of sleeping in and eating some very cute, and very yummy vegan and gluten free cupcakes.

I am in a really good place right now and loving life. Farewell June, bring it on July.

Alicia

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73 Things that Make Me Happy

This summer has been a sort of making myself into who I want to be, in a sense. Ever since I have been making my own decisions and doing things that I want and love to do, I have been exuding happiness and smiling more. So, I have seen quite a few of these sorts of lists and wanted to make one for myself.

  1. The smell after it rains
  2. Freshly washed sheets
  3. Getting into bed right after a shower, with shaven legs and a big t-shirt
  4. The smell of the flower section at Trader Joe’s
  5. Freshly brewed coffee
  6. The feeling of the sun on your skin when you’ve been inside for a while.
  7. Crossing things off of checklists
  8. Drinking lemonade in the summer
  9. Not having to get out of the bed in the morning
  10. Getting complimented
  11. When I reach my Fitbit step goal for the day
  12. Taking a nap after a long day at work
  13. Pay Day
  14. Reorganizing something that desperately needed it
  15. Finally finishing cleaning my room
  16. Cooking
  17. When I get home from somewhere and my dog is the first one to greet me
  18. Fresh fruit and vegetables
  19. Walking barefoot in the grass
  20. Singing along to a song in the car
  21. Sunrises
  22. Sunsets
  23. The sound of the Ocean
  24. The smell of the Ocean
  25. Baby goats
  26. Baby pigs
  27. Really any animal let’s be honest
  28. Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you have more time to sleep
  29. The cold side of the pillow
  30. Wearing a new outfit
  31. The sound of an ice cream truck
  32. Feeling confident
  33. Having an all around good day
  34. Getting a text from someone you haven’t talked to in a while
  35. Dairy-free ice cream
  36. Getting a day off of work
  37. Printed photographs
  38. Scrapbooks
  39. Getting new shoes
  40. Getting my nails done
  41. Getting a haircut… that I actually don’t hate
  42. Hanging out with friends for the first time in a while
  43. Writing
  44. Museums
  45. Getting flashed a smile from a stranger
  46. Listening to a band’s new album for the first time
  47. Early morning when all you hear are birds chirping
  48. The color blue
  49. Bookstores
  50. Volunteering
  51. Small towns
  52. Crunchy leaves
  53. My favorite pair of jeans
  54. When people use the correct form of ‘your’
  55. Taking my shoes/bra off after a long day
  56. Candles
  57. No dirty dishes in the sink
  58. Making lists
  59. Playing cards with a big group of people
  60. Coloring Books
  61. Watching Dr. Pimple Popper videos
  62. Disney movies
  63. Seeing pictures people took of me doing things when I didn’t know I was being photographed
  64. My smooth skin after shaving my legs
  65. The smell of my shampoo
  66. Office supply stores
  67. Notebooks
  68. Stargazer Lilies
  69. Murals
  70. Potatoes
  71. Cobblestones streets
  72. Rainbows
  73. Stickers

Alicia

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Giddy but Inconclusive

Alrighty-o fam. Here we are, still giddy and such despite having worked a full shift on my feet today and wanting to pass out.

Now, we have made it this far with my college choice and major decision, here comes the hard part: choosing a school. I can recall quite vividly crying on my couch as I scrolled over every college website I possibly could, without having a major in mind. Never in my life did I think I would have to complete this process all over again unless of course, I would be attending graduate school (besides the point). However, at this point, I have a solid major and minor combo (Spanish major with photojournalism minor)  and need to find a school containing both, being cheap, and probably closer to home. I didn’t really miss home but it’s a request of my family. Also,  my training I have to go to is based out of the midwest so it helps that I’ll be closer. Also, I sort of want a smaller school because I felt like I knew like 2 people at SDSU because of how big it is.

Funny isn’t it, how when choosing my first college I wanted as far from home as I could get, big school, warm weather, and a school with a football team. After me realizing that my parents weren’t just going to sneak up on me any random time, attending one football game, and realizing I hated the big school atmosphere, I want the complete opposite from a school. I’m still on boat with the school being as cheap as possible, but honestly, who isn’t?

We have a variety of schools to choose from, not too large of a variety but enough wiggle room to have a few good schools that I’ll be sure to find at least one I love.

The school choices (so far) are…

  1. Cardinal Stritch University (Wisconsin)
  2. Otterbein University (Ohio)
  3. University of Indianapolis (Indiana)
  4. University of Tennessee-Martin (Tennessee)
  5. Andrews Universty (Michigan)
  6. Murray State University (Kentucky)
  7. Ashland University (Ohio)
  8. Winona State University (Minnesota)
  9. The University of Findlay (Ohio)
  10. Xavier University (Ohio)

I’m sort of partial to Xavier University in Cincinnati because that was actually my top choice behind SDSU but I didn’t choose it because they have no football team, it was small, and religious (I know you don’t have to be of that religion to attend but still, Theology 101… really?!)

So, who knows. Might end up at Xavier, might end up at one of the others I mentioned. Or I may even end up elsewhere.

Update on my current schooling situation. I will not be attending ASU in the fall and will most likely be staying here and working or babysitting and whatnot. However, my aunt is in town from Phoenix and still wants me to live with her. So I might go live with my aunt for the fall semester and work but honestly. who knows? Not me.

I have a lot on my plate for the next few weeks and a lot of tough decisions to make. However, I’m happy (and tired) as can be.

Alicia

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Giddy

Giddy. I am giddy.

Ever since starting this blog almost 9 months ago, I have blogged about being vegan, college, and every other aspect of my life as I saw fit. I have gone on and on about not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to go to college, and why people do things they hate just to make an extra buck or two.

Since a little while before my birthday (when my neighbor was flabbergasted at my major choice)  I have been having constant mental breakdowns about college because I do not/ never did want to become an engineer and I was pressured into doing so by my family.

Last week at work, one of the ladies in the front office told me a very important piece of information. “I have sat at this desk 40 hours a week for the past 30 years. I hate it. And I can’t stress this enough. Do something you love and for god’s sake don’t get a desk job”

So, after having all of these mental breakdowns, cry sessions with my dog, and my parents trying to wrap their heads around what was going on inside of mine, I am a few steps closer to having a future to be proud of and happy with,

I told my dad that if all else fails I’m going to Spain to teach English to kids, I would finish college at some unbeknownst location, get my visa and move to Spain to start my job search, Yes, it’s a bit more complicated than that but I was brainstorming. Apparently this brainstorming led to my father telling my mother and she,  due to a friend from high school, was able to find the perfect job for me.

Something I have also had a longing to do has been to travel. I also love Spanish and even though I don’t want kids of my own, children love me and through my last 9 years of babysitting I think kids and I get along rather well.

There is a thing called TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) and my mom’s friend started the International TEFL Academy where you can become certified in teaching English in other countries. She is going to talk with him and find out exactly what I need to major in to be suited for that program so I, like many other lucky individuals, can travel the world and get paid for doing something we love. Ever since that night that we discussed that option, I have been looking at schools across the country with spanish, ESL, and journalism (just because) majors so that I can be on the next step to doing something I love.

It’s only been a few days since this and already a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I am happier, smiling more, and just overall enjoying life.  At dinner tonight my mom asked if I had taken some energy drink because I literally couldn’t sit still. Was it because of my delicious kombucha and black bean burger? Quite possibly. But, is the more likely option the fact that I am finally going to be doing something that I love and my parents are on board? Absolutely.

Until my next post I will be looking for a university that I can finish up at and prepare me for an amazing chapter of my life that I cannot wait to embark on

Also, I will continue to be giddy, because for the first time in a very long time, things are looking up for me.

Alicia

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My life: As told through Emperor’s New Grooves Gifs

Hi all, for the longest time I have had a folder on my desktop entitled “Emperor’s New Groove gifs” and I have yet to use a single one. When my dad was looking at my laptop stickers at work today, I remembered I had that folder (because I have an Emperor’s New Groove sticker) and decided that instead of letting these perfectly chosen gifs go to waste, I would try and relate every aspect of my life to a part of this thrilling movie. So, let’s get this post full of fun and sass started.

When I get home from work and get to plop down on the couch and eat all the food

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When I’m home alone and get to dance around my house all day

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When I’m dancing around my house and my dog steps in my line of movement

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When I have to talk to people for more than 2 seconds

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When my dad gets home from work and makes me move to the couch

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When I keep looking at the clock and work and it’s been 11:28 forever and lunch is at 11:30

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When people try hugging me

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Whenever I make a new vegan dish and it may either be the best thing ever or send me to the ER

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When I’m given a group project and the people in my group suck

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When my group project members don’t do their work

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Me to all of my group project members

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When my group project members mix up their parts even though I had so much confidence in them

When we somehow get an A on our project

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When my dad is driving on the highway and says we need to keep the windows down

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When my dad is speeding and thinks it’s fun but I think we’ll die

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When I try to get something I want really bad

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When I get my way

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Whenever I get my hopes up about something and it doesn’t happen/ sucks

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Fighting with my sister

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When people sing Happy Birthday to me and I don’t know how to react

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Waking up in the morning because my phone got a notification

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When I say my opinion and everyone gets offended

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Whenever i get a pimple

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When I wake up in the middle of the night to get food and my fridge is being loud

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When I’m talking about my life and people ask about my sister

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My father talks and hand feeds the squirrels in my yard so…

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When I see a spoiler to  show I haven’t watched yet

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When I get excited about something and then it doesn’t happen

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Whenever I watch Family Feud and Steve gets mad that a contestant gave an inappropriate answer but it’s the top answer

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Me, after you guys read an entire post filled with Disney movie gifs

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Alrighty-o. That was pretty fun actually and I may make another one of those with a different movie. What did you all think

Alicia

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PS I realized that the folder on my computer was titled ‘emporer’s new grooce” didn’t even have enough time to spell one of the most timeless classics in cinematic history correct.