letter – Living off Leesh

The Top 100 Inspirational Weight Loss Bloggers

Published on May 17, 2016June 25, 2016 by AliciaLeave a comment

Hi, everyone. Look at me double posting. My life update post will be up in the next few days, however, I was checking my stats page this morning and saw that I had a lot of viewers that were referred to my blog by DietToGo.

Curious as to how that was, I clicked the link in my stats and was brought here

I immediately noticed that the post was entitled “The Top 100 Inspirational Weight Loss Bloggers You’ve Probably Never Heard Of (Until Now)” and got super stoked because people have noticed I exist and they think I’m decently cool.

Your girl (me) was lucky enough to score spot #13 on that list (happens to be my favorite number too) and I’m just so happy/stoked/honored to be put on this list with so many other amazing bloggers.

So, I recommend everyone check out DietToGo’s post and check out all of the other amazing bloggers who are also featured on the list. I know I did!

Anyway, I want to say again how excited I am that I was featured and want to thank Caitlin (author of the post) for taking the time to hand select my blog and to read some of my posts. It means so much

Talk to you all soon,

Alicia

Dear Body…

Published on March 10, 2016February 1, 2018 by AliciaLeave a comment

Dear body,
You know this already, but I have rekindled my love for exercise and eating healthy and taking care of myself. Due to this, I have also recently realized that all of my years of hating you has taken its toll.

I have spent the past 10 years hating you. I have spent the last 10 years pinching and poking at you, as if my fingers possessed some sort of magic power, granting me the ability to make you smaller and fit society’s ideals. I have spent 10 years hating what I saw in the mirror looking back at me. I have spent the last 10 years telling my mom, dad, friends etc that I did put sunscreen on when in fact I didn’t but I wanted to change the eggshell coating I was given to obtain that longed after sun kissed glow. I have spent 10 years paging through magazines, looking in awe of actresses, singers, Victoria Secret models, and other celebrities near and far, asking myself why don’t you look like them. It has come to my attention that all of this negative energy, and poking, prodding, hating, it has harmed you.

At age 14, I started counting calories. After everyone had told me you were too big, too unhealthy. After my doctor had told me your size had skyrocketed. After people had told me than you needed to be sucked in, hid under clothes, changed, tampered with, etc. Because of all of this, I only allowed 1200 calories for you every day.I did this, hoping to make you smaller, more appealing, more loved, more accepted. When in reality I was harming you, depriving you of all you needed. All you needed to keep me functioning. What I would fill you with was 1200 calories of horrible, processed garbage. I was harming you. I was eating so little and not giving you the proper nutrients for a little girl to grow, flourish, thrive. I was trying to make you smaller, prettier, tanner. I was trying to make you the complete opposite of what you were. I would always leave you wanting more, my stomach grumbling with starvation, and for a while I would not give in.

Alas, these 1200 calorie days were not feasible. So I started bingeing. I would eat a carrot for breakfast. 30 calories for the most important meal of the day. Skipping lunch and then working out trying to burn as many calories as possible. When 3pm hit, and you were sick of being empty, I would fill you with any processed foods I could get my hands on from cookies, cakes, crackers, ice cream… anything to fill up my sad and grumbling stomach. I would do this constantly and then hate myself and you for letting this happen to me.

Everything I would do to you was out of hatred. Every blade to slice open my skin, every suicidal thought, every time I would starve myself to make you more appealing, every time I would binge, was out of hatred to you. When all this time, after all of the years I hated you, you did nothing but love me. You, you were the only one to love me unconditionally after all I had been through. After everything I did to you, you continued to love me.

I never realized all you have done for me. Every day and night for 19 years you have struggles keeping me alive… Struggled keeping me healthy, sane, thriving. Trying so hard to manage on the food I was putting into you, and it was hard. It has been so hard. And I’m so sorry. Every time I put the razor to my skin because I hated you so much, you would also try to fix yourself. Every part of my body adorned with scars show me this. Every time I would starve myself and not eat despite how many times your grumbles crying out for me to eat, you wouldn’t get mad at me. You still love me, despite everything I have done to you.

Every hateful word I have said and every harsh thing I have done to you, you have continued to love me unconditionally and keep me alive on this world. All I Have to say is that I am sorry. I am sorry for harming you. I am sorry for not loving you. I am sorry for not seeing all you have done and continue to do for me.

I am trying, body. I am trying to love you. I am trying to love you and myself. However, it’s been so hard. But I’m working on it. Nothing but good food has entered you since January 16th. My last binge was January 13th. The last time a razor touched you was September 3rd, 2015. I am working, and I am trying. Thank you for not giving up on me, despite all of the times I have given up on you. I love you.

Alicia

Letter to a Younger Me

Published on December 29, 2015May 27, 2018 by AliciaLeave a comment

Dear Alicia,

You are beautiful. I will tell you this right now. No one will tell you except mom and all of her friends who are obligated to comment sweet things about their awkward teenage daughter because she has commented similar things on their posts with their model children. Have you met the Carey family? Anywho, you are beautiful. I don’t care what all those bullies have/will say, you’re beautiful.

You are an intellect. Everyone is. We’re all just good at different things. You are good at math and science and cannot draw for shit. That’s okay. Art and history aren’t your strong suits. Excel at what you are good at. Meanwhile, the artist and historian will be jealous of all of the amazing things you are accomplishing.

You are spectacular. You are a girl who has a smile to light up the room. Friends and family who cherish you (even when you don’t think they do) and let’s be honest, pretty great hair. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Give no one consent.

Those girls who are being mean to you now will mean nothing in 5 years. When you graduate with honors and they struggle to make it our high school and end up at community college… who really won? Oh yeah, you.

College is your decision. Student loans suck but honestly, going to your dream school that you love and are comfortable at is worth lifelong debt. Never let anyone try to sway your college decision. Go where you want, and study what you want. Also, you don’t need to have your mind made up at the age of 14. Molly thought she did and completely switched. It’s okay to not know.

It’s okay to cry. Cry about grandma, cry about missing the dog, Madi, dad, cry about your favorite TV character dying (you will trust me and you’ll be embarrassed, it’s fine). But do never let stupid people make you cry. (You will, trust me, but never cry in front of them) Don’t let them win.

You will regret cutting yourself. When people ask what’s wrong with your legs, and you have to say you fell, or your dog scratched you, or what have you, it’s embarrassing and sad. You also will still have those scars in college and you will not wear shorts because of them… yes even in California.

Do not kill yourself. People will tell you to kill yourself. People will tell you that killing yourself will not matter and no one will care. People. Will. Care. Trust me. Do not do it. Everyone will be sad and you can’t let those people win. Please don’t do it.

Spend as much time with your friends as you can. Once you all go off to college, scheduling hang outs during break is almost as painful as stepping on a lego. You won’t see everyone you wanted to and not everyone will want to see you. Move on.

That boy doesn’t love you. You may think he does, but he doesn’t. It will hurt, but guess what, his loss, not yours.

Be nice to Madi. She isn’t the worst sister you could have gotten and she deserved to be treated better.

Be kind to Rosie. Cuddle her, play with her, take her on walks. When you go off to college, you will only see her for four months and she is getting older. Just remember that even what she growls, she deep deep deep down does love you (i hope anyways)

Shower everyday. If you aren’t leaving the house… okay I get it. Whatever. But at least wash your face because you will need to.

Wear deodorant. Just do it.

Listen to mom and dad. Sometimes they are right (not always but sometimes)

Don’t be afraid to speak your mind. You have beautiful thoughts and they deserve to be shared with the world. People will listen and you will have enlightened someone on something. Speak up.

Do not be afraid to tell people your favorite movies or bands or books. Even if Shrek, Emperor’s New Groove, Miss Congeniality, Legally Blonde, High School Musical, One Direction, 5 Seconds of Summer, etc. are on there. It’s not just you who loves them.

Do not be afraid to not have plans. Stay in, watch movies and eat popcorn. One day you’ll wish you stayed in more.

Love yourself. This is something we are still working on. Growing up and being a teenager is very hard and going to school with models and beautiful skinny girls is even more rough. Women in magazines are not women in magazines. It’s just fact. Your body type isn’t the same as everyone else’s and your body is not their body and you are not them.

Do not compare yourself to other girls. Because guess what, that girl you idolize probably idolizes someone else too. You are too beautiful, amazing, perfect, and 100% unique to do that. No one looks just like you, so why do you want to look just like someone else? You don’t.

Be yourself. Dress like yourself. Act like yourself. If you have to act fake in front of people, they really aren’t your friends. Be friends with people who you can act like yourself around and keep them close.

I love you. You may not see that now and you may cry yourself to sleep every night because you hate yourself. You may cut yourself because you hate yourself. You may want to kill yourself because you hate yourself. But I love you. I am proud of you. I am proud of you for not killing yourself and stopping hurting yourself. You don’t cry yourself to sleep anymore and I have never been more proud of anyone in my life until now. You are an amazing girl and have accomplished so much in your 18 years on this planet and while there have been ups and downs, you are still here and in one piece. I am proud of you for that.

I love you,

Alicia