Category: Random Writings

Hello August

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Happy August everyone. At the beginning of every month, I always see people making goal posts. I always make goals (small and large) at the beginning of each week, month, etc. so I figured I would jump on the bandwagon and post them here.

  • Finish dorm/school supply shopping
  • Read 2-3 books
  • Develop a workout plan for school
  • Do not spend any money unless absolutely necessary
  • Drink 64 oz of water minimum daily
  • Blog 10 times
  • Pack!
  • Spend time with friends before we go back to school.
  • Deep clean my room (my dog sheds so much everywhere so I needs to clean every square inch of my room)
  • Move into my dorm
  • Have a great first week of classes
  • Join at least 2 clubs

What are your goals for August?
Alicia

Frustrated

Published on by Alicia1 Comment

This has been a word that has taken up a big part of my vocabulary recently, and for more reasons than one, some which I’d rather not admit.

The reason I’ve chosen this word out of any other is because in all of many babysitting gigs that I have, the one thing that I’ve learned it’s that children get angry and throw tantrums because they are frustrated.

They are frustrated because they think they aren’t being listened to or aren’t being understood or for a variety of other reasons.

This summer I have found myself relating to a 3 year old more than I’d like to. What Ella can get accomplished in kicking and screaming, I cannot. That in itself is frustrating

When I was in Peru, I was happy, generally happy, and that is something I haven’t felt in a while. Since returning from Peru, I haven’t felt happy whatsoever. That is frustrating.

My family adopted a dog (more on that later) and I’m virtually the only one who cares for her. I feed her every day, take her out every other hour, play with her, make sure she takes her pills, everything. My mom pays for it yeah, but that’s the easy part. My dad usually takes her out before he goes to bed and my sister only takes her out if no one else is home. I love my dog but she isn’t ‘my dog’ and when I call her mine everyone gets pissed off but when I say  that I’m the only one who takes care of her, everyone still gets pissed off. That is frustrating.

My dog has heartworm. If she gets too excited or excited at all really, she could die, and no one seems to care. That is frustrating.

I had secured a job paying $18 an hour (I would have made $4000 by the time I went back to school)  for the next 6 weeks and then it was taken right out from under my feet. That is frustrating.

My sister has some mental stuff going on and is getting treated for it (I’m not saying that’s bad at all, yay for getting help) but my parents seem to only care about her and not me whatsoever. No matter what I do or say nothing matters except my sister. They get mad at me for speaking my mind or for things I didn’t do. That is frustrating.

After writing all of these things down on virtual paper, they seem so miniscule, but as I sit here with damp cheeks it’s so freeing to get everything out.

Well, I have to go make my bed on the kitchen floor (also more about that later) so here’s to blotchy cheeks and bad backs.

Alicia

19

Published on by Alicia3 Comments

A year ago, I posted something about how turning 19 was irrelevant. That the 19th revolution around the sun was a pointless one separating the enticing year of becoming an adult  and getting out of your teenage years.

If a year ago I told you that 19 would have been the best year of my life so far, I would have laughed in your face. But here I am, a whole year later, reflecting on my 19th year on this earth.

A year ago I thought I would be attending Arizona State University, majoring in chemical engineering, and living with my aunt.

But here I am, after taking a gap year, getting ready to start school at Ohio University, going to school for secondary education.

This year I did a lot of things, but if there’s one thing I did that I’m most proud of, it’s making my own decisions. I had always been a go with the flow kind of girl, always trying to please. In July, however, I made a tremendous decision to not return to school in the fall, something that  recieved a bit of backlash for, people saying I would never return to college after my break. After I chose to take a break, I was able to leave a toxic job that I wasn’t comfortable with. Normally I would’ve continued with both of these things because that’s what was expected of me, but I did what was right for me and that alone made my entire year.

After convincing my entire family, I was able to volunteer in Peru for over a month, working in an orphanage with some of the cutest babies I had ever seen, and travelling and marvelling at the country as a whole.

This year for me has been the best so far, and I hope it only goes up from here. Now, as I continue to get ready for a new school and a new year, I hope you all continue to live life as I am, pulchritudinously.

 

Alicia

Also Happy Birthday to me !

Maybe next year

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Something that always gets me is when people think that a new year is basically just the only time you can restart yourself or make goals for yourself or make any sort of change. Today, I was browsing facebook looking at the damage control on our country from the last 24 hours, hoping to see at least one cute dog photo in that time, and I stumbled upon this photo of a tweet that said “January was a free trial… I’ll start my new year February 1st”

The person shared it and was like “Time to restart my resolutions.” It’s funny to me that people feel the need to make goals on only the first of the year. I’m not saying that New Year’s Resolutions are overrated since I made a resolutions post but most of these Resolutions are things I had been working on before, however, these people can’t just decide they want to do something and then just do it. They have to wait 29 days or hell 10 months before they can start a new goal.

Why have we as a society, decided that people can’t have ambitions 365 days of the year? Why are we limited to 5 days or so throughout the year?

When we break a resolution (me for example and my sleep schedule haha) I had still been getting crappy sleep so last Wednesday, I was like ‘you are waking up at 8 am tomorrow and liking it.’ I didn’t need to wait until February 1st or even the next Monday to do it. I had something I wanted to accomplish, I had a goal, and I went for it. And hey, almost a week later and my sleep schedule is getting back on track.

Basically, what I’m saying is that is you have a goal jotted down on a sticky note for the start of the month, or next Monday or whatever, start it now. Start it now! And then next month you’ll be happy you did.

Pulchri-what?

Published on by Alicia5 Comments

I have officially forgotten how to blog. After two months of daily prompts thought up a month or so in advance and now moving to a fresh clean, promptless slate, I have forgotten how to blog. I have sat at my computer for 15 minutes because the only thing I wanted to write about was snow, candy canes, and Christmas.

So, until I regain the ability of blogging, I have decided to write a little blurb about how I chose the title of my blog (I mentioned it in an award post but I guarantee no one reads those so, I’m going to elaborate and write a new one).

Flashback to October 2015, when I first had the idea of creating a blog. After scouring the web for URL ideas, I decided on the URL buddhistvegann. I had originally planned on making my blog about transitioning into the vegan lifestyle and I wanted to talk about how I was following my the teachings of the buddha and things of that nature.

Fast forward to the beginning of June 2016, when I began my social media detox and decided to start a life I wanted to live. I created the name selflovinalicia, because I was, and still am on a journey of self-love. That name lasted for a few months but I soon decided I needed something else. I also didn’t want my name in my URL. No hate or anything to people who include their names in their URLs but it just wasn’t for me.

When I returned to social media in August or September or whenever, a friend of my mom’s commented on a photo (of my family) “What a pleasurable plethora of pulchritude.” Having never heard/seen that word I went and googled it (hoping he wasn’t calling us ugly or annoying) and I found out that pulchritude is defined as beauty. Live pulchritudinously meaning ‘live beautifully’ which is something I aspire to do on the daily, so I decided to change my blog URL to livepulchritudinously as a reminder to live a life full of pulchritude, and it’s a very good conversation starter.

So, there you have it, the reason behind my blog title.

Alicia

Ruff day

Published on by Alicia6 Comments

Yesterday morning I disregarded my alarm clock and decided to sleep in. At around noon (didn’t want to sleep that late) I was awoken by a vibrating phone on my nightstand. Seeing my mom’s caller ID, I answered. The first words I heard yesterday morning were “Well, do you want to come with me and do it?” from my sobbing mother. With no context, I knew it was about my dog.

My first words yesterday morning were “No, you’re kidding me.” I immediately rose from my bed, not sure if I was coherent and the message I just heard was real or not, putting pants on and walking out of my room. I sat at the top of the stairs, where my dog should have been after her vet appointment that morning, and watched as my sister got ready to leave to go to a friend’s house.

What started as a day we had hoped would discover an abscess tooth living inside my dog’s mouth soon turned into a lump in her chest and sores coating her tongue and throat.

As I sat there listening to my mother repeat the message to me, igniting my sobs from leaving my body. I trembled and shook as I learned the fate of my beloved dog. After deciding I had to say goodbye, I tried to do something with my unkempt sleep hair and swollen eyes while waiting for my mom to pick me up to head to the vet.

As I walked into the private room at the veterinary office, a sudden gust of sadness engulfed the room. As I sat on the floor waiting for the receptionist to bring my dog into the room, I remembered why I had worn sunglasses on that gloomy day, so no one could see the red clouds that were my eyes.

This was it. The second I saw my dog, sad, scared, and desperate, I was done, tearing welling in my eyes, hoping to burst past the levies and ignite a flood of emotions I wasn’t prepared to unleash.

After seeing some familiar faces, she took a seat on my lap and all I could do was hug her. Hug her for being the best dog I could ever have, hug her for being sorry that she was in so much pain, and hug her for being so strong.

After we left I cried more. I have tears staining my cheeks, my coat, my pillow, everywhere. The house is quiet and empty and every time the doorbell has been rung I expect to see her getting up to see who is there, or whenever I eat food, I expect to see her wanting some and I keep closing the bathroom door behind me, even though there is no need. It has been a weird day and I know it will be a weird few weeks or months as I get out of the habits I took 9 years to build.

I won’t be able to eat popcorn or carrots the same way again and I will miss our couch cuddles you pushing me off the couch you weren’t even allowed on.  I will miss my slippy slippy lovie girl. She was the greatest joy to come home to. Cancer sucks and I will miss and love you always.

“It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.”

Persevere

Published on by Alicia4 Comments

This post has been sitting in my drafts for almost a week, with the first two lines edited so many times I cannot count.

One of the NaBloPoMo prompts was to choose a word for 2017. At the time I hadn’t thought about my goals for the New Year because the year wasn’t over and I had no idea what I would want to accomplish in the New Year.

I do now. I know exactly what I want to do. I want need to persevere.

Something I do a lot is start things. I start so many things. I start working out, start eating healthy, start planning for something, start reading a book, start etc. etc. Something I don’t do is finish. I am a quitter. I don’t like to label myself as a quitter, no one does,  but it’s what I am. I quit working out, I quit eating healthy, I quit planning, I quit reading, I quit everything. I quit when the going gets tough and I am sick of it.

I have quit so many things throughout my life and I hate it. I want to persevere. I want to keep going. When the going gets tough, I want to get tougher. Maybe it’s because I put too much on my plate, or maybe it’s because I’m lazy, whatever it is, I need to persevere.

What happiness means to me

Published on by Alicia10 Comments

To me, happiness is such an arbitrary term. It differs for everyone. To me, happiness is sitting alone in a coffee shop, typing away at my computer, letting the intoxicating aroma of the grounds fill my nostrils. Happiness is feeling a crisp autumn breeze blow against my face as the smells of cinnamon, vanilla, and pumpkin dance around me. Happiness is seeing goats. Happiness is receiving a package in the mail, just waiting to be unwrapped. Happiness is getting my nails painted a new color, and tapping my freshly painted fingers on every surface I find.Happiness is seeing a dog, its tail wagging as it rushes their owner to my side so it can sniff me as I pet its head, even just for a moment. Happiness is when I can perfectly apply my liquid lipstick… the first time. Happiness is a tattoo parlor. The wheels in my brain get to turning thinking of all of the ink I want on my skin. Happiness is seeing a band in concert, my cheeks flushing and my heart beating along with the amp as I realize that the people before my eyes are indeed real. This is happiness for me, what is it for you?

Cancer

Published on by Alicia4 Comments

Hi everyone, sorry this is so late but I wanted to write something and between working and trying to watch the Cubs game I forgot all about it.

As many of you know, October is breast cancer awareness month. This post is about cancer, not breast cancer, though.

6 years ago today (October 19th, 2010) my grandma passed away from Stage 4 lung cancer. I was only in 8th grade at the time and I am so devastated that I missed out on living so much of my life without the amazing woman she was. I have changed so much since eighth grade and I know she would be proud all that I’ve accomplished since then.

I first remember my dad coming into my bedroom earlier that year (March), telling me that she was sick. We sat and cried on my bed until there were no more tears to cry.

Next, I remember going to visit her every weekend that we could until she died, watching her slowly deteriorate before all of our eyes, everyone knowing but keeping quiet about it and only talking about how amazing she was doing.

The worst part about it was, I remember not cherishing the short amount of time I had left with her. I always thought she would get better and everything would go back being like old times. I remember ( and still hate myself for this to this day) her forgetting I had said goodbye to her already so my dad made me get out of the car to say goodbye again. I sulked into the house, quickly hugged her, mumbled goodbye and blew past everyone visiting back into my car. Looking back on it I would give anything to say goodbye to her again.

Upon getting home from a school trip to Washington D.C, my dad wasn’t home (with my grandma) and my mom broke the news to me that she wouldn’t make it much longer and we were going the next morning to see her and say goodbye. She didn’t wake up the next morning. When my dad got home and told us, we cried together for the second time.

Despite all of these sad moments, they aren’t the things I remember most about her. I remember her introducing me to the movie ‘Miss Congeniality” and watching it every time I would spend the night at her house. How that movie also became my favorite overtime. I remember that I stayed at her house for 2 weeks one summer and I got to watch old movies, garden, make woven potholders (a lot cooler than it sounds), make jewelry, and eat cake for breakfast with her.

What I’m trying to say is that cancer is a horrible disease and takes so many people away each day. Please remember, today and every day, tell your loved ones you love them because you never know when it could be the last time you tell them. I love and miss you Grampatty

Alicia

light

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A goal of mine for as long as I can remember is to exude light. To be as radiant as humanly possible. Like those girls in the movies, whose aura matches her best friends in the back seats who drive around town with their windows down, music blasting into every wandering set of ears they pass.

Over the past 19 years of my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that this idea only exists in movies, that this goal is not something I can possible achieve, and no matter how hard I try, I will in this constant state of longing for this feeling I cannot have.

Despite this conclusion, my mind always wanders to why I can never achieve this. These radiant people I rarely come across of hear about seem so carefree and ethereal, and here I am, just the opposite. Why can’t i be like them? What did they have that I didn’t?

We are the same yet different, the same just under different circumstances. We both face the hardships this world puts on us, yet I just see them in this state, this unworldly state.They make the best of their circumstances, why can’t i make the best of mine?

When I choose to look beyond the hardships I face, beyond all of my obligations, and just focus on things that make me euphoric, I begin to realize,  I emanated light this whole time.