Month: February 2019

Disconnected

Published on by AliciaLeave a comment

Hi all and happy thursday. A week ago today, my phone broke. Not sure what happened but it just froze + wouldn’t get to the home screen. I called apple support, verizon + consulted the internet to try and get it fixed to no success. Finally, 2 days later, on Saturday, I made my way to Verizon to get a new phone. During those two days I realized something so profound that I feel not many of us realize: we are so damn dependent on our phones and we can’t do anything without them.

I was fuming that my phone broke at first, I needed to snapchat, text people back, post on Instagram + more. How was I going to make it through a shift at work with no phone????? How would I hang out with my friends with no phone?

I am not going to lie, all day Friday I carried my phone with me. I carried a broken phone in my hand as a security blanket because I did not feel that I  could go without it. Isn’t that pathetic? On Saturday, I went to Columbus for a CHAARG event + didn’t bring my phone because I realized there is literally no point to carrying a $1000 paperweight around with me for 5 hours but it was so weird. You never realize how often you or other people are on their phones until you physically cannot be on your phone. I wanted to take pictures, I wanted to follow new people on Instagram, and I could not. I wanted to mask silent moments in the car with my phone but I could not.

It’s truly comical to me that as I was planning this post that the title that came to me was disconnected. I was in fact not disconnected, not in the slightest. When I had access to wifi aka on campus and in my apartment I had access to my laptop + all my friends. Yet, because i could not have my phone attached to my hip for roughly 48 hours, I felt disconnected. It makes you think, doesn’t it? We’re so reliant on these devices, for everything. From social media, to maps, to a calculator, to email, and everything in between on these pieces of hardware that when they break, we feel incomplete. It blows my mind.

Honestly, it was nice. I wish my phone broke more often [or that I would just leave it at home haha]. I talked a lot more to the people around me. I had good genuine conversations with friends because when they knew I didn’t have a phone, they also stayed off theirs. The CHAARG event was also made more special for me personally because I had no phone. I had to interact with others and be present in the moment which I loved. Yeah I wanted to photograph it and post about it on every social media platform I have, however, it became more special to me, to sit there and let it all soak in.

A guy I hung out with Saturday after my phone was fixed said to me, “I liked it more when your phone was broken.” I was high key crushed. Was I really on my phone that much? It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest. Because of this whole ordeal, I want to be more present. I set locks on various apps so I can only be on them for certain amounts of time. I’m paying a lot of attention to my screen time data on my phone and trying to get it to be less and less each day. It’s hard to not be as connected as everyone else and I think it’s normal to feel the need to be on our phones as much as we are because it’s what everyone else is doing. But I’d much rather be having these genuine conversations, reading, writing, getting ahead on work, or doing literally anything else except solely existing on this small screen.

Much Love ❤

Alicia

Finding the good in every day

Published on by AliciaLeave a comment

Hi all. I’m writing again. 2 DAYS IN A ROW! In the midst of my busy, I’m trying to find time to do the things that bring me joy. I was going to write again last night but once I finally got home, did homework, and got ready for bed… I was exhausted! So, I’ll take what I can get. I have a small break in between 2 meetings and the gym and class so I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to write.

I downloaded the app Daylio a while back [you rate your mood for the day and add what you did, notes etc.] and I was looking at my monthly calendar view and realized I don’t have a lot of great days. Most of my days are either meh or bad [their words not mine] and my good days are few and far between. With my relationship with my brain, however, I am less than surprised. On Monday, for this CHAARG challenge, we were challenged to post about 10 things that made us smile that day. It was a damn struggle let me tell you.

I came up with the following:

  1. I did ALL my laundry
  2. I slept in warm clean sheets
  3. I cleaned my room [we’re seeing a trend here… I did a lot of cleaning]
  4. I hit my step goal
  5. I had a delicious smoothie
  6. I taught an entire lesson in Spanish to people who didn’t speak Spanish AND THEY UNDERSTOOD ME
  7. I saw some very positive post-it notes
  8. I looked cute as heck
  9. I can breathe again because I’m not sick anymore
  10. I did the face mask that makes me feel like a snake.

Doing that made me realize that the day wasn’t as bad as I initially thought. Good things happened among what I would label as a ‘bad’ day. There is good in every day. Not to sound like a middle-aged white woman’s kitchen wall, but I want to try and find the good in every day. So, I decided to start using my 5-minute journal again [I won one in a CHAARG giveaway and lasted a whole 5 days :/ ] to reflect on my days and share what the good was. I think it will help my mental health immensely and will help change my mindset to see the good things over the bad that happen in a 24 hour period.

Will I keep up with the 5-minute journal? Only time will tell. Will I make a conscious effort to remember the good that happened to me in the day when filling out my daylio entry? Absolutely. Here’s to finding the good in every day.

A good thing that’s happened today, you may ask? I ran into one of my favorite people, Sam, during a break we both had + we got to sit and chat for about 20 minutes :’)

Much Love,

Alicia ❤

My need to lead

Published on by Alicia1 Comment

Hi all. It’s been a while. I have had roughly zero time to write recently. Between being gravely ill not once but twice, 7 classes which all include an obnoxious amount of work, my job, CHAARG, 4 Paws, and trying not to have more than one mental breakdown a week. Remember how last semester I told myself I wasn’t going to be pouring from an empty cup? It’s happening. So, today I wanted to come on here and figure my shit out [take a shot every time I’ve said that].

The concept of leadership is frustrating to me. I crave being a leader. I think I’m a natural born leader with a lot of self-doubt issues paired with crippling anxiety which makes me a rather awkward leader. When I’m confident about something I find leading easy. I’m able to make decisions on the fly and have the confidence in every decision I make. When I’m not so confident I tend to overthink my decisions, become indecisive, look to every possible source for advice [my whole college career], and may come off as a poor leader. I’m not sure if that’s true or if it’s my brain telling me it’s true, but it’s what I think.

Despite what my brain thinks, I always apply for leadership roles. Ever since elementary school I was involved with clubs where I looked to lead, I was on student government in leadership roles all throughout my middle school and high school careers, I was an editor for the yearbook every year I was on the staff, I was golf team captain, I was the president of AST [another club in high school] I’m a manager at work, I applied to be an RA, I’m going to be a Learning Community Leader, I’m on the exec teams of both of the organizations I’m in… I could go on. Almost every single thing I’ve ever been involved in, I’ve been a leader in it. It’s natural for me, to want more. I like to keep working up the ladder as far as I can go. This is one of the reasons I thought I’d excel in Business. I’d be CEO of a company in no time ;).

Why do I do this? Why is it that I feel the need to take on any position that comes my way? Why can’t I sit on the sidelines and let others be in charge? I think it comes from my need to have control. I didn’t really know I had control issues but it’s something I’ve come to notice as of late. I have never sat on the sidelines on anything I’ve been involved in [except for when I first join] because I crave being a leader. I don’t know if it’s because I love sharing my love for whatever I’m involved in with other people, I need to be in control, the whole “You NEED leadership experience on your resume” that’s been shoved down my throat my whole life or a mix of all three, but here I am, having just applied for my newest leadership position, CHAARG Ambassador [the equivalent of the president].

I’ll be the first to say that I’ve been conflicted on doing so. I’ve wanted to apply for Ambassador since last year when I applied for the same role. [I’m glad I didn’t get it but I didn’t know that other exec applications would go out again so I applied for what I could]. After my last semester in CHAARG, I almost didn’t return to the organization let alone exec because I was so frustrated. If I was so frustrated why would I keep moving up the ladder? Why do I still want to apply for Ambassador, intern, CLC, etc. in my future CHAARG endeavors? Obviously, I love CHAARG + all it’s done for me, so naturally, I want to keep at it. But when it’s one of my greatest stressors, is it worth it? I want to keep spreading my love for CHAARG to anyone and everyone I can despite the stress I’m under. I think If I didn’t reapply I’d regret it more than if I kept doing it and was stressed as much as I normally am.

I’ve submitted my application for Ambassador and obviously, I hope that I get the position. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I may not receive it and that it’s going to be okay. I might apply for another exec position [definitely not treasurer though] or I might spend my last semesters at OU as a  regular CHAARG member, once again anticipating newsletters hitting my inbox every Sunday night at 10pm and wondering what exec has planned at all the events.

If I don’t get an exec position it will be weird.  Not having control of something for one of the first times ever will be weird. It will be good too. It will be good for me. To not be in control. Either way, I think I will be okay. I’ll need to adjust but I’ll still love CHAARG. I’ll still share my love for CHAARG. Which is what it’s all about anyway.

In my future, I’m going to need to realize that I can share my love for what I love without being in control. This may be the start of that journey and it may not. But only time will tell.

“The burdens of leadership are often heavy, but the world is a better place because we have borne them” – Barack Obama

Much Love ❤

Alicia