kinda sad, kinda empty

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*Let’s get this shitshow started* It’s been a while since I’ve posted. It’s been a while since I’ve even sat at my computer and written. It’s been a while since I’ve done anything remotely productive really.

There have been so many times in the past month to month and a half where I’ve opened up WordPress  and wanted to write, where I tried to write. I even started a post in my drafts a week or two ago, and just wasn’t motivated to finish it. Although I haven’t really been motivated to do much of anything recently, it’s whatever.

I stopped going to work almost entirely. In the last month that I was working I think I went 5 days. I was sick at first and then I was just encapsulated by my bed. I’ve been sleeping day in and day out. The left side of my face is littered with blemishes due to it spending so much time with my pillow. I sleep so much yet the bags under my eyes are more prominent than ever.  And if I wasn’t sleeping, I was moping and laying in bed, only emerging from my fortress to use the bathroom. Half the time I don’t know what day it is, despite it being displayed every time I tap the home button on my iPhone.

I’m not eating, drinking, exercising, I’m not doing anything. I’ve lost 8 pounds in the last month.

I’m depressed. I’m not sure why, but I am. Being at home makes me depressed. I have to be home for at least the next 4 months too. And to be completely and utterly honest with all of you, I don’t want to be depressed for the next 4 months.

It’s funny, at least I think it’s funny. I was sad and empty and depressed for years. It’s like I was trapped. I was hollow. It was as if every second of my life more of my insides were widdled away, until there was nothing left to hollow out.

Then I left my small Chicago suburb for San Diego and it was as if I had never been sad in my entire life. A weight, a forlorn weight, had been lifted off my shoulders and I was free. I was happy, I smiled. I smiled real smiles. I laughed real laughs.  I was truly happy. I don’t smile at home. At least not real smiles. I plaster on the occasional fake smile every once in a while so people don’t think I’m as desolate as I really am. The only things I laugh at now are pointless vines my sister shows me. And I am definitely not happy. I have been home for only 3 months and in those 3 months all of my happiness has diminished and it was like I had never gone to California in the first place.

My hair is brown. I dyed it the other day. I thought that would make me at least a little happy. It didn’t.

I haven’t washed my hair since we dyed it and the only reason I showered then was because I had to rinse the excess dye out. The shirt I’m wearing is dirty. I only put it on today so it looked like I showered and put on clothes. It has a stain on it from the last time I wore it(tea I think) and it has a stain I got on it from eating some leftover pasta at my 10:00 dinner tonight. My face is clean. It’s only clean because I found a face mask and wanted to try it. The mask said to apply to clean skin.

One of my eyebrows is tweezed. The other, I lost any spur to do it, so I didn’t. I haven’t worn a bra in days and I live in sweatpants now.

I’m not sure what this post is about. I really don’t. I don’t want pity. I don’t know what I want. It’s sort of just a life update post, a pretty pathetic one at that.

It’s 1:30 in the morning right now so I’m feeling kinda emo, but I just want to feel things. I don’t want this hollow feeling coursing through my body every second of the day. I want to be able to feel. I want to feel joy, rage, repugnance, dismay hell even melancholy.I just want to feel something, anything. Because right now this hollow pit  has encapsulated my entire being and is dragging me to places I don’t want to be dragged.

I just think I miss being happy, being able to feel. But until I get those abilities back, you can catch me laying in bed in week old sweatpants, unkempt hair, with my Shrek pillow pet.

Until next time
Alicia

Silence

Silence. Quiet. Mute. Quietude. Still. Tranquility. Noiseless. Absence of sound.

Silence. This term is typically seen as unnerving. Why is this? Is it because our teachers silenced us when we were in trouble with a swift index finger to their lips? Or maybe because we have so much to say in such little time and we’re willing to keep noisy to let anyone and everyone hear what’s on our minds, no matter how pointless?

Society has coined the term ‘awkward silences’ to show our dismay for the state. Why is it that we need constant noise, constant interaction? Why can’t we appreciate those short spurts of quiet, alone, peace?

No children screeching in the distance, no barking animals and hissing cats. No hustle and bustle of people living. No constant buzz or bing of smart phones. No parents or friends trying to interrupt whatever it is I’m doing.

The idea of quiet, silence, scares some people. It liberates me. I love being able to curl up with a book, or a pen and paper,  sat on a sofa or chair, and the only noises I can hear are birds chirping, the current of the river, and me turning the pages as I delve deep into my novel.

I believe silence is necessary. Whether you’re alone or with people. To think, question, reflect. It’s a calming thing, silence is, and I think too many people take silence for granted.Alicia

Alicia

383:Algebra Teacher

642 things to write about prompt: Write down everything you can remember about your algebra teacher

Geoff Geltner. He let us call him Gee-off even though his name was pronounced Jeff.  2nd-hour algebra, right after gym. During the swim unit of gym, he would always ask my friends and I if we were given swirlies and we mirrored wet dogs.  Freshman year of highschool. Every day he donned far too large khakis of either brown, beige, or olive. On top he wore polo shirts and every Friday wore jeans and a blue and white t-shirt (Spirit day). It was his first year using the smart board. One day I remarked how poor his handwriting was on the board (jokingly) and then he made me use the smart board for the entire day. My handwriting was worse. He has 2 kids, a boy and a girl I think and he talked about them a lot. He never said the word shit. He used the phrase shiitake mushrooms instead. I didn’t know what a shiitake mushroom was then… I do now. He had glasses and brown hair and was always smiling. I don’t think I ever saw him upset about anything. He would run down the halls and we never really knew why. He still remembered me, and waved and said hello even in my senior year. He called my mom on the last day of school to tell her I was the 4th best student he had out of 100+ students. He loved the phrase “and it blew away like a fart in the wind.” He gave an award for the student with the most perfect pages (pages on a test with 0 mistakes). He told us it was a “Toyota” but he really meant “Toy yoda.” he was always kind and never wanted to embarrass students or make them do things they didn’t want to. We switched seats once a quarter and for the entire week after switching, he would look around the room at least 5 times before finding the student he was in need of. He was my favorite teacher I’ve ever had.

Alicia

P.S. I have run out of goodbye gifs and that’s sad but maybe I’ll start with quotes or some other garbage. Give me ideas. ty

2016: Expectations vs Reality

A week ago (? ish) I read a post about the expectations of 2016 vs the reality of 2016 by lifeofaninspiredteen and really related. 2016 has been a pretty intense year. From changing my major 3 (?) times, finishing my freshman year of high school, getting my first big girl job, etc. etc.

On New Year’s Day or a few days after, I posted a New Year’s Resolution post of sorts and almost all of the things on there are exactly what are on my summer bucket list. As in they have yet to be done, or I have kept up with them so far and need to continue my streak. So I’m doing pretty good there. However, those aren’t really substantial… more like get a new piercing and meet my step goal everyday not decide what to do with your life.

My expectations were a lot different than the reality. It’s July. By this time in 2016 I figured I would have gotten a job at the Fruitful Yield (health food store by my house), been registered for classes at ASU and started gathering things I would need for my aunt’s house, have painted my room at home, gotten straight A’s at SDSU, gotten a boyfriend (haaaha), slimmed down a bit, and had started looking for engineering scholarships, internships, clubs, etc. I also thought I would be saving money to join the sorority of my choosing at ASU.

The harsh reality:

Job: The Fruitful Yield requires at least one year of job experience which apparently nannying is not, So, I’m working for my dad in a warehouse, packing marshmallows and cutting myself on cardboard boxes every 15 minutes (no joke I bled 3 times today *upside down smiley emoji*).

ASU: hahaha we all know that my life is a mess and picking a college I will excel at is just too large of a task to handle.

Aunt’s house: I may be living with her in the fall and taking classes online so I don’t have to live at home and keep working at the warehouse but I really don’t know yet. So, we may be on track but we also may not be.

Painted room: HA HA HA no. Before I left for college my sister and I switched rooms because I knew I wouldn’t be at home that often. Her room has been yellow since we bought the house and I really hate the color. I just want white… IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! I don’t know. I did tell my dad that if I do end up staying home I either get to paint this room or move all of my stuff to the basement

Straight A’s: College is hard and not getting a 4.0 is okay and I am accepting it. Adjusting to college is difficult, let alone taking upper division and honors courses. Straight A’s will come. Just study and be patient.

Boyfriend: LOL

Slimmed down: I have lost 20 ish pounds this year since going vegan and really taking care of myself. I’ll get to where I want to be but loving my current self is definitely more important than anything else right now.

Engineering: I’ve posted about wanting to do engineering for some time, realizing I never actually did want to become an engineer and changing my major to something i actually want to do. So, now it’s time to start looking for spanish clubs, scholarships, and internships :’)

Sorority: I have decided that I don’t need to pay money to find friends and really great friends will come naturally. Also, I have become more and more introverted as time has gone on and I don;t have the energy for going out 4 nights of the week and still be expected to hang out with them during the rest of the week too. Just me, and not hating on sororities, My DZ girls were super nice and loving and the sorority life just isn’t or me. Do whatever y’all want.

So, while 2016 has had a few bumps in the road, I’m pretty content with where I am right now and am definitely going to do another one of these posts as 2016 comes to a close. Thanks again to lifeofaninspitedteen for making this post originally and inspiring me 🙂

Alicia

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642 things to write about

Hi everyone.

The other day, I made a trip to Barnes and Noble, searching for a book. Not any book in particular but I came across a book called “The Girls” and picked it up. I’m almost finished with it; very good but a little NSFW for all you little readers out there.

Anywho, I was looking for a planner of sorts to keep up with eating, exercise, work, food, life, etc. and found the book “642 things to write about” and decided to purchase that as well. I have decided that I am going to begin writing posts (when I can think of nothing and have nothing significant to blog about) using these prompts. It’s going to take me a very long time to complete them all, and some I may not even do. I’ll be making a page on the blog titled “642 things to write about” and will also be tagging each prompt post with the tag #642thingstowriteabout in case any of you are interested in seeing my collection. I may do one a week, one a month or may bust out 15 in a single day. I really have no expectations for them, however, since I bought the bought and they don’t allot ample space to complete the prompts in the book, I figured I would save paper, and share them with you all.

Also, I won’t be doing them in any specific order. I’ll just open the book and choose the first one that interests me.

So, that’s all for now. Just a quick little intro post. Be on the lookout for the page on my blog menu and for some interesting posts headed your way

Alicia

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July 4th, 10:06am

10:06 am, the first firework has been heard.Seated on the porch of my grandpa’s house, shoes off, reading a novel, and there it is. It is officially the 4th of July, America’s birthday.

On this day, we celebrate freedom, pride, and the ability to light fireworkds, hoping to not blow off a child’s leg.

Yet, why is it, that just a few homes down, confederate flags are still hung high? Why is it that people are killed everyday because of our lack of gun control? Why is it that the term Democrat or Republican will determine who we can be civil with? Why is it that the term home of the free is stated across the country but when someone wants to be free to use the bathroom they identify with, they can’t? When did the term “freedom and justce for all” become “fredom and justice for those who can afford it”? When did celebrating the birth of the free nation become a day to wallow in beer and see who can blow off the biggest firewroks without having the cops called on them?

America has a lot of issues, but their biggest is being a hypocrite. We wanted a country where every citizen could have religious freedom, political freedom, a freedom of speech, etc. Yet, unless you are a devout, weekly church going Christian, you’re looked down upon. You can’t speak of your political views without some shit pile calling you out and saying everything you believe in is wrong and you’re an idiot for having beliefs. Speaking your mind is basically walking on eggshells because you can’t say anything without half of your facebook friends getting offended.

Everyone says how much they love America, one day a year. The other 364 days a year we bicker, fight, and hate on everyone in the enire country. We can’t get along, we never have. We are still just as divided as we were during the days of the Civil War. And, as far as I can see, nothing is going to change any time soon.

It just infuraites me that we can have so much love for a country, one day a year, and then every other day act as if we aren’t citizens of the same country. As a country that some call the “melting pot,” we really should be called “picky child’s plate who throws what she doesn’ like on the ground” because in all honesty, that’s what we are. And I don’t know about everyone else, but I for one, hate it.

But, Happy 4th of July everyone. Glad we’re all civil today, can’t wait for every Republican and 2nd ammendment enforcer to go back to hating me in a mere 9 hours.

Alicia

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CUPCAKES

Alright, friends. Living in California and being vegan is one thing. There are vegan shops, cafes, restaurants, and Whole Foods on every other block. In Chicago, on the other hand, vegan food is a bit more hard to come by. Yes, I can get my fresh fruit, veg, and yes my ever so needed protein at Target, Trader Joe’s, and our sole Whole Foods. However, when it comes to sweets, and meals at restaurants that are vegan that’s another story.

For my birthday, I mentioned I was going to make a vegan cake. Yet, on the day of my birthday our gas went out and I was unable to use my stove. Wanting some sort of cake or cupcake because what kind of birthday is it without cake? My mom and I ventured to Whole Foods to see if we could find some vegan cake. They only had gluten-free cakes 😦 BUT they had vegan cupcakes. Naturally, I bought 3 to have one then and then save some for later. It was not only one of the best vegan desserts I have ever eaten but any dessert I have ever eaten. Also, it turns out that the cupcakes are made right here in Chicago.

This morning, my mom and I made the drive there, got there right as they opened and got 6 cupcakes. 3 vegan and gluten-free and 3 regulars (I’m the only vegan in the house).

 

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The outside of Swirlz. Very quaint but super adorable

 

Swirlz (the name of the cupcake place) has flavors of the day. They mainly are nonvegan and filled with gluten but they also make gluten-free ones, and vegan and gluten-free ones. Today’s selection in the vegan and gluten-free department were cookie dough and vanilla. I’m typically not too keen on cookie dough or vanilla. I’m more of a chocolate kind of gal. However, upon returning home, and opening the super cute box the cupcakes were housed in, I have fallen in love with cookie dough cupcakes and the Swirlz cupcake shop in general. The cupcake was sort of like a chocolate chip cupcake with a dollop of cookie dough in it and then topped with vanilla frosting and a cookie dough piece.

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The box
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The cupcakes: Mine are the bottom 3

The shop was super adorable and I am definitely feeling a second trip on a different day for another cupcake type. 😉

PS, I highly recommend this shop to any of my followers who are ever in my neck of the woods. Vegan or not, their cupcakes are to die for.

They are located at:  705 w. Belden, Chicago, IL 60614

Their website can be found here

If any of you have been there or are planning on making a trip, let me know.

Alicia

 

 

One month social media free: An update

Exactly 4 weeks today, I bid adieu to all of my social media accounts: Vine, Pinterest, Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. 4 weeks without knowing if Jessica hates her boyfriend, 4 weeks without seeing birthday posts accompanied with mini novels written by best friends. 4 whole weeks without seeing political posts, shooting stats, and baby goats. Now, out of all of it, the only thing I really miss are the baby goats. But let’s all be honest with ourselves, who wouldn’t?

Being absent from social media has taught me a lot of things. However the main one is that my main communication with friends is through social media. Commenting each other in funny instagram photos, reply tweeting and my goodness snapchatting.

I would snapchat constantly with anywhere from 10-15 people at a time. I found that it took my attention away from other things: going to bed on time, being with family, being with other friends, and school work especially.

I hate to admit this, but I am one of those “sharer or political post” people on Facebook. I do like to even it out with videos of baby animals and the occasional vegan post or two. However, when people would comment back (I am totally fine with people sharing their opinions and agreeing to disagree) they would be so rude and absolutely refuse to believe that people can have views opposing their own and would really bring me down. Also, people constantly feel the need to get offended at any little detail and make a big deal out of everything. Not only that, but people are constantly in everyone’s business and not having to see the photo album of prom 2016 which consists of the same photo 500 times just with a different person’s eyes closed.

Twitter and Instagram: I would always check the latest tweets and photos whenever all other social medias began to bore me, I wanted to procrastinate, and even in class and during break at work. I would be glued to my phone at any free period of my day. Without it, I am seeing new things (on my way home from work yesterday I saw a community college that I had never been aware existed) and talking and listening more to people around me. I must also seem more respectful seeing as my phone is not in my hand 24/7 and am actually paying attention to my surroundings and the people around me.

My phone has for so long been my safety blanket. So much that when I was at school I would find the need to bring it down with me to put my laundry in the washer/dryer. My whole journey was less than 5 minutes and it was all walking up/down stairs and actually doing laundry. I rarely used it on my laundry trek but I still felt the need to have it at my hip.

Now, I rarely use it, I play a few games: candy crush, solitaire, sudoku (‘m old don’t judge me) and when I need a quick picture, google, and to check my email. Life without social media has really opened to my eyes and made me realize that social media isn’t the only thing in life. Yeah they’re great to keep you updated and see what your friends are doing if you don’t talk to them everyday, but when you become dependent on it, that’s when it becomes an issue.

Alicia

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June Reflection

From turning 19, to starting my new job, June has been quite an intense and busy month. Not only has it been busy, tiring, and all around hectic, it has been quite eye opening. I’ve learned a lot, done a lot, and slept a lot :/. All in all, I loved June.

Starting my first big girl job, technically began on May 31st… but that’s basically June. It has been tortuous and hard but I have learned a lot about hard work and met a lot of wonderful people. So, despite it being rough and my body still aching every day after work, I do like my job. I do not think, however, that I could do this longer than a summer.

This month I made the decision to give up social media. And my oh my was that the best decision of the summer. I am happier, more social, and while not up to date on everything, I have been able to focus more on myself which is something I typically don’t do.

Speaking of focusing on myself, I was finally able to pinpoint aspects of my life I was not content with. Not only that, but I also had the courage to discuss these things. Yes, I am talking about my college conundrum.

I typically am able to speak up for myself when I’m not happy with something, however, when it’s your family who wants you to do something and is paying the vast majority of tuition to do that something, you tend to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. My whole life I had excelled at everything math and science. Out of over 100 students my freshman year, I was ranked #4 for my algebra class. It’s a pretty solid accomplishment, especially since I was adapting to a new environment and still managed to get almost a 100% in the class. Anyways, it’s something I am naturally good at. Naturally, my family assumed I would do something in the math and science field and wanted me to do so in order to get a high paying job. It took every ounce of courage and bravery to stand up to my family and tell them I wanted to do something completely out of that ballpark and I’m so proud of myself for doing that and overcoming this obstacle in my life.

Finally, I turned 19. A pretty insignificant year if you ask me. One year closer to 21, but also one year closer to adulthood. Nonetheless, I turned 19 and had the delight of sleeping in and eating some very cute, and very yummy vegan and gluten free cupcakes.

I am in a really good place right now and loving life. Farewell June, bring it on July.

Alicia

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73 Things that Make Me Happy

This summer has been a sort of making myself into who I want to be, in a sense. Ever since I have been making my own decisions and doing things that I want and love to do, I have been exuding happiness and smiling more. So, I have seen quite a few of these sorts of lists and wanted to make one for myself.

  1. The smell after it rains
  2. Freshly washed sheets
  3. Getting into bed right after a shower, with shaven legs and a big t-shirt
  4. The smell of the flower section at Trader Joe’s
  5. Freshly brewed coffee
  6. The feeling of the sun on your skin when you’ve been inside for a while.
  7. Crossing things off of checklists
  8. Drinking lemonade in the summer
  9. Not having to get out of the bed in the morning
  10. Getting complimented
  11. When I reach my Fitbit step goal for the day
  12. Taking a nap after a long day at work
  13. Pay Day
  14. Reorganizing something that desperately needed it
  15. Finally finishing cleaning my room
  16. Cooking
  17. When I get home from somewhere and my dog is the first one to greet me
  18. Fresh fruit and vegetables
  19. Walking barefoot in the grass
  20. Singing along to a song in the car
  21. Sunrises
  22. Sunsets
  23. The sound of the Ocean
  24. The smell of the Ocean
  25. Baby goats
  26. Baby pigs
  27. Really any animal let’s be honest
  28. Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you have more time to sleep
  29. The cold side of the pillow
  30. Wearing a new outfit
  31. The sound of an ice cream truck
  32. Feeling confident
  33. Having an all around good day
  34. Getting a text from someone you haven’t talked to in a while
  35. Dairy-free ice cream
  36. Getting a day off of work
  37. Printed photographs
  38. Scrapbooks
  39. Getting new shoes
  40. Getting my nails done
  41. Getting a haircut… that I actually don’t hate
  42. Hanging out with friends for the first time in a while
  43. Writing
  44. Museums
  45. Getting flashed a smile from a stranger
  46. Listening to a band’s new album for the first time
  47. Early morning when all you hear are birds chirping
  48. The color blue
  49. Bookstores
  50. Volunteering
  51. Small towns
  52. Crunchy leaves
  53. My favorite pair of jeans
  54. When people use the correct form of ‘your’
  55. Taking my shoes/bra off after a long day
  56. Candles
  57. No dirty dishes in the sink
  58. Making lists
  59. Playing cards with a big group of people
  60. Coloring Books
  61. Watching Dr. Pimple Popper videos
  62. Disney movies
  63. Seeing pictures people took of me doing things when I didn’t know I was being photographed
  64. My smooth skin after shaving my legs
  65. The smell of my shampoo
  66. Office supply stores
  67. Notebooks
  68. Stargazer Lilies
  69. Murals
  70. Potatoes
  71. Cobblestones streets
  72. Rainbows
  73. Stickers

Alicia

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