Random Writings – Page 2 – Living off Leesh

Leaving my phone at home: The chronicle

Published on June 11, 2016May 27, 2018 by Alicia1 Comment

5:10am the sound of the radar ringtone courses through my room as my head leaves my pillow searching for my phone to end that obnoxious sound.

5:15am After checking my phone for any texts and Kim Kardashian game notifications, I emerge from my room, shielding my eyes from the light glowing from downsairs. I make my way to my kitchen to have a quick bowl of cereal.

5:45am after exiting the shower, I move to my bed to check my phone, still on the charger.

5:57am By the time I check the time it is 5:57. My bed is drenched, I am not dressed, and I have less than 15 minutes to do everything I have to do.

6:12am I am in the car on the way to work. I start to doze off and hope I had remembered to do everything I needed.

6:37am As we make our first stop of the day, I rummage through my purse looking for my brush, eyebrow pencil, chapstick, and phone. I can only find the first 3. As panick courses through my veins as I open every pocket in purse, check the pocket on the side of the door, under my seat. Nothing. What ever will I do with no phone??

8:30am My first break of the day and the opportunity to use my phone. Oh wait. Instead of being on my phone for the short 10 minutes, I talk to people. Such a concept. I learn about Maria’s chile she is having for lunch, Blanca’s tattoos, and so much more.

11:30am Lunch time. Another 20 minute opportunity for phone usage. I grab my lunch and head into my dad’s office. I sit with him and talk to him, about his day, about everything that’s beem annoying him, and to everyone who walks into his office during those 20 minutes.

2:00pm Last break before I am done for the day. I sit with my dad again and the break goes by all too quickly. Learning about how a truck had to be sent back for the second time, and how everyone is annoying him

3:00pm I am done for the day but I still about 45 minutes until my father is done. I sit in his office talking to everyone who comes in, and him as well.

5:00pm We just arrived home and I throw my stuff in my room and don’t even grab my phone. Turns out a day with no phone wouldn’t be as bad I thought.
Alicia

The life of an extroverted introvert

Published on June 7, 2016October 14, 2016 by AliciaLeave a comment

Wanting to do absolutely everything and absolutely nothing all at the same time. Have a weekend free from work, homework, and obligations, and not being able to decide whether or not I should lie in bed for the entire 48 hours or see as many friends as I possibly could.

Why am I like this I wonder. Why is it, that despite wanting to see my friends and spend time with them and use every valuable ounce of time I have available to see them, I somehow still manage to retreat to my bedroom and stair at the ceiling while listening to my music on shuffle.

It’s strange too. When I choose to leave the solace of my room to spend time with others, I also seem to be wishing I was back home in bed, and that I’d never even left bed that day. Yet, when I stay in bed all day and I see my friends hanging out with other friends, I tend to wish I had accepted their invitations all too often.

Somedays I wish I could be one of those people who sees 5 or more friends in a day and has a party while doing it. Some days I wish I would be content with staying curled up in my room all day. Yet, I am tragically blessed that I get to live the life of both of these people, making me truly and extroverted introvert.

Alicia

The Real World

Published on June 1, 2016May 27, 2018 by AliciaLeave a comment

Achy. I am achy. Standing for 8 hours moving cardboard and building cardboard and moving product and stocking product, with 3 hours in between breaks. It’s only been 2 days and already the pain courses through my entire body with every step I take. The short walk to the break room is still far too long and I barely make it before collapsing on the plastic chair.I am achy.

Exhausted. I am exhausted. Waking up at 530 every morning and being out the door by 6 was never something I imagined I would have to do. Alas, here I am, doing just that. Waking up before the birds, and working until my droopy eyes struggle to stay open. Barely making my way to the car before passing out in the passenger seat. I am exhausted.

Stiff. I am stiff. Continuously standing for hours on end, not being able to move around because the task at hand requires no movement whatsoever. When I finally am able to walk around, my knees can hardly bend and my back tries desperately to budge from the 45-degree angle it was in for the past 8 hours. I am stiff.
Opulent. I am opulent. Not quite, but my wallet is squealing with excitement every hour that passes and every piece of cardboard that I touch. It hasn’t even been a week but it feels like a lifetime. I am (not quite) opulent.

Alicia

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Published on May 21, 2016February 1, 2018 by Alicia2 Comments

I was babysitting for my neighbor’s kids the other day and as she got home, she asked me if I had picked my major for school. When I told her chemical engineering, her jaw almost dropped. When she finally spoke and asked why, I told her it’s because I’ve always been good with math and science and I’ll get a job easily. She then asked me if I enjoyed it. All of my extracurriculars had involved the things I liked doing (photography, writing, design, leadership) , not what I was known to be best at (math and science). So, what do I really want to be when I grow up?

We all can recall the first time we heard this question. When our teachers asked us this question, our eager 5 and 6-year-old faces lit up as boys shouted president and firefighter and girls exclaimed princess and nurse.

Sadly, I haven’t been asked what I want to do with my life recently. People just assume I will do something in the math and science field or something international (I’ve taken spanish since I was in 5th grade) because these are things I have always been known for excelling at.

In the past 3 years, no one has asked me what I want to do with my life. My aunt and uncle are both engineers, and have instilled the notion that being an engineer is the best thing for me to do because I’m good at math and science and can make a ton of money. One of their friends told their children that they can study whatever they want, after they get an engineering degree. Why? Because engineering makes you the most money.

Why don’t they ask us that when we grow up? Why don’t they ask us what we want to do when we’re choosing our college or university? Why is it, that we’re so obsessed with money and how much we will make? When did making money earn a spot above being happy and enjoying our job?

People tell me what I need to do. I couldn’t decide on a major, so I just said international business so I could put something down on my applications. I never wanted to do business, everyone around me wanted me to. Because I would make money.

Now that I have changed universities, and majors, everyone around me wants me to major in chemical engineering. Why? Because I will be a woman engineer, will get first priority on jobs, and will make money.

Since when did society decide that how much money we make in our lives is more important than how we live our lives? I never wanted to major in business. And I don’t want to major in engineering now. So, what do I do? Do I major in something that makes me happy, maybe never get a job in that field? Or do I live a miserable life of an engineer and have all the money I could ever need?

I’m not too much of a sap but I do believe that we’re here for a reason. We were not born to work 40 hours a week just to be miserable and then go home and be too tired and aggravated with our lives to be happy around our loved ones. Not saying my aunt and uncle aren’t happy. They get ample time off, sabbaticals, and have so much money that they go on multiple cruises every year.

But, why can’t I do that while doing something I love? I don’t want to have kids, hell I might not even get married. I just want it to be my dogs, maybe a goat, and myself. I want a nice house of course, and a nice car, but at the end of the day, when I’m on my deathbed, looking back on my life, am I going to remember the audi and the million dollar house that I had, or am I going to remember my job, where I spent most of my waking hours, my friends and colleagues that I met at that job, and all of the experiences outside of my house?

Shit, I want to do something I love, but the second I said I even considered switching my major to biology and them getting my masters in marine biology, my parents couldn’t have said the words “what about chemical engineering” faster. Why? They just want me to make money and be successful.

When did we define success as how much money you make at the end of the day? Why can’t success be something less materialistic? Why can’t we define success as something worth living for, something great? Something like how many friends I had, how many new places I visited, how much I enjoy my job? Why is success just money and power? When did we all agree that this is what society is going to be, and, why wasn’t I a part of this conversation?

So, what do I want to be when I grow up? Since I’ve started blogging, I have rekindled my love for writing. I love writing, being able to put all of my feelings down on paper, or on the blogosphere. It’s calming and I love seeing how my writing has progressed through time. I love animals. I would love to live on a farm with rehab animals and just help them escape lives of abuse, violence, etc. I would have farm animals, house animals, exotic animals, anything really. I would love, cherish, and care for each and every one of them. I love design. Over the summer. My life is a nonstop HGTV marathon. I love critiquing, agreeing and adding my own opinions on what I would do with each house, room, etc. I love yearbook. My entire highschool career was centered around my school’s yearbook, and although it may have caused me to turn gray early, I loved that class and I can’t imagine my life without it. And, now that I am not active in my school’s yearbook, I miss it. I love the mind. My entire life has been filled with mental illnesses and trying to understand the mind, why can’t I try to help others understand their minds as I have been trying to understand my own?If I could do any one of these things with my life, it would be grand. But, STEM is the way of the future and despite what you want/ like to do with your life, none of it matters if you can’t make money.

Everyone always tells you to never major in journalism, communications, psychology, philosophy. Basically nothing in the school of arts and letters. Major in business, major in STEM. Why? We need people in those fields, or else that major wouldn’t exist. We need biologists, we need therapists, we need writers, we need designers. Why can it be the other person. Why can’t it be me?

So, here we are. I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep because of how stressed I was, how stressed I was because I couldn’t find a major that suited me. And now, here we are, staring blankly at my ceiling wondering why I couldn’t have just picked something I enjoyed all along.

Talk to you all soon,

Alicia

To my brother…

Published on May 16, 2016May 27, 2018 by AliciaLeave a comment

It’s 12:04 am. I retreated to my bed over an hour ago, after receiving this news. I’m laying in bed, thinking of you. I won’t be getting to sleep anytime soon, no matter how long I count sheep or how long I paint pictures of us on my ceiling. I just stare at the ceiling, thinking of you.

It’s funny, isn’t it? How we think we know so much, but in reality we know so little? For my entire 19 years in this planet, It’s been my sister and I, well at least since she was born. I never knew you existed until today. Intriguing, right? I always thought the whole long lost sibling concept kept its place in the box of the television, but here I am, finding out after 19 years of life, I’ve had this older brother all along, and had no idea.

Everyone else knew. Well, not everyone. However, almost all of the adults I spend ample time with knew, yet somehow my sister and I were kept in this bubble of unknowingness for so long.

We sat there, my sister and I, mouths agape, as my our mom told us about you. Our half-brother, who grew up less than 45 minutes from where we live, and somehow we had no idea you existed.

12:09 now. I’m numb, still cozy in bed, still thinking about you. You know I exist, you’ve seen pictures of me. What do you think of me? Did you want two sisters? I always wanted an older brother. I nagged constantly to my mom that I wished I had been born second and that I had an older brother. And I do.

My Our mom showed me your instagram today. You look almost identical to my uncle, Jim, so I know we’re related. You’re my brother. I have a brother. Sorry if I keep saying that. Truth is, the facts haven’t sunk in yet.

As many times as scroll through your pictures, trying to absorb as much as I can through those square photos of your friends, family and 2 cats, I can’t wrap my head around it. How did I not know? How did I not know I had a brother? I have a brother.

12:12 and I’m upright, still trying to process how this happened. How you exist. How I never knew. How everyone kept this a secret from my sister and I for so long. Neither of us can. How did you never come up in conversation? How did your name never slip out?

I want to cry, buy why? What’s the point? I have a brother, and I didn’t know. I think it’s because I always wanted one. I always wanted a brother to look up to, to show me the ropes, to make sure no one picked on me, make sure mom and dad never gave me too hard of a time.

You were 11 when I was born. You had no idea I existed then. That my mom existed. You lived less than 40 minutes away from me but we had no idea. Crazy.

My mom told my sister and I about 6 hours ago now. We were in the living room, I was checking twitter and my sister was eating. She said she had something to tell us that she didn’t know how to say.

Immediately thinking the worst, I assumed someone had died. But really, someone was born, not really but born into my world, anyway.

There isn’t much to say about you. I don’t know you… I may never. I know nothing about you, but you’re my brother.

You were born on June 22nd, 1986 at 2:13 am. Your name is Evan. You have 2 cats. You live in Los Angeles. And I hope you want to meet me. I really do. Because you have two younger sisters that want to meet their big brother.

I love you already, even if you don’t know it yet.
Alicia

P.S. Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, with finals and getting home a few days ago and then this news I haven’t had much time to do anything.

It hit me today

Published on May 1, 2016February 1, 2018 by AliciaLeave a comment

My high school’s prom was Friday night. As I scroll through instagram post after instagram post, admiring all of my friends’ magnificent flowing gowns and pinned back hair, I came to the realization that that will never be me again. My days of prom, homecoming, and turnabout dress shopping are long over. Now, I shop for dresses for weddings, formals, etc. I realized today that I am no longer a student of my high school, I am in college and my high school days are long gone.

People say you never know when it will hit you. The fact that you’ll probably never see these people again. That graduation night is the last night you will all be together. People say it doesn’t hit you on graduation night. You may cry, but you’re only crying because your mom and grandma are crying. It might hit you when you say goodbye to your best friends. After spending countless hours with them over summer, trying to squeeze every last memory you possibly can in with them until you part ways for 4 months. It might hit you when you pack up your entire life into suitcases, boxes, backpacks. When your room looks foreign to you because of how barren it is. It might even hit you when your parents leave you, alone, in your dorm. When you’re left alone with a roommate that you’ve only spoken to via Facebook chat exchanging social medias and what each of you will bring.

For me, it happened in bursts. Saying goodbye to my friends, I cried. I knew we would be different people when I saw them next. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. It hit me when my sister had her first day of school and I was still in bed, because I didn’t leave for another week. It hit me, the night before I left. After leaving a friend’s house I drove around my town, driving up and down every street, passing my high school countless times, absorbing every last image of that town I had come to love. I cried. I drove around, listened to old songs and cried. I wasn’t ready and at the same time I was. I wasn’t ready to move on, but I knew that I had to. Saying goodbye to my family, I cried. I wouldn’t see them until family weekend, and I knew I would be different by that time. They weren’t ready for that. It hit me when I came home for winter break, and my room wasn’t my room. It was a bed and a desk where I would spend weeks at a time. But it wasn’t mine anymore. It was mine for so long, but not anymore. I cried my first night home. How no matter how long I lived in that house, how I knew every nook and cranny of that 3 story building, it wasn’t my house anymore. It was a place to vacation, before heading back to my new home- San Diego. My family wasn’t ready for the day that I called San Diego home. I see the hurt expression on my mom’s face every time I say, “I can’t believe I go home in ____ days.” I don’t mean to offend anyone, but it has become my home.

What no one told me is that it would hit me, a year later, scrolling through instagram and checking snapchat stories. No one told me I would miss that school. That school I dreaded going to every morning, would be a place I longed to visit one last time. I could tell you every hallway, every room number, every teacher, all of my friend’s locker numbers, the bell schedule every day of the week. No one told me I would miss it. No one told me that passing by it every break, I would lose a little piece of my high school self.

I hated high school but I loved it all the same. I hated 8am calculus but I loved the teachers and all the students. I hated the smell of the lunchroom but I loved that everyone gathered together for a time of relaxation. What no one told me is that despite how many events I went to, I wished I could eat just one more lunchroom cookie, attend just one more Shenanigans show, or basketball game.

Personally, I think I did high school pretty well. I played 4 different sports and participated in at least one of those every year. I was on yearbook: editor in chief, business editor, and design editor. I was part of my student government. Junior class president for a year, and executive board treasurer the next. I took AP classes and studied hard, trying to make good grades, and I had a pretty great group of friends.

Some days I wish I could do high school all over again. Be more outgoing, join different and more clubs, try out for a sport I never played my freshman year, and just redo high school knowing everything I know now.

But that’s not what high school is. High school is supposed to be big and scary. Walking into the new and inviting school painted blue and white with faces cheering and clapping for you is what it’s all about. Walking in with your best friends and out with your best friends is what high school is. Making mistakes, growing up, learning, crying, enjoying the new and foreign experiences. That’s what I did in high school.

Yes, I’ll never have the chance to go to my senior year homecoming that I missed, and I’ll never be able to go to another prom, but I did high school how you’re supposed to. I lived, I learned, and most importantly I grew into the woman I am today. I’ll never step foot into that school again as a student, but because of that school, I have blossomed into the brilliant woman that I am today.
Until next time.

Alicia

If my House could talk

Published on April 24, 2016February 1, 2018 by AliciaLeave a comment

Recently, I’ve been thinking what my dog would say if she could talk.What she would say to me, my mom, my bird, etc. Mainly because I miss her and was wondering if she misses me too. Yet, I came to realize my dog, while extremely cute, is an idiot and would probably just ask for more food. My house, however, I feel like its story would be one worth listening.

If my house could talk, it would tell me the story of my mom and I visiting it in 2004, and how much I hated it. It didn’t have the purple tree that I wanted so dearly. It would tell you that although it wasn’t our first choice because of the butterfly wallpaper in the bathroom, flower wallpaper in the kitchen, and blue carpet, it had everything we needed so we bought it.

It would tell you of the days we spent painting. My aunt, mom, sister and I took on multiple rooms of that house. Painting bedroom walls purple and yellow, and my mom tidying up the house before move in. It would tell you of my neighbors coming to the door to greet us and the song they sang to us. While neither of us can remember the words to the song, the gesture will be long remembered.

It would tell you of the day we moved in. Its walls hadn’t heard a child laugh in ages and the soft laughter of my two-year-old sister as she navigated the house made it feel young again. As I marched through the house with a sense of urgency, guiding everyone carrying boxes of toys, clothes, and furniture to where they need to go. They adorn sloppily scribbled phrases of “kitchen items” and “Alicia’s toys” written by me in sharpie. After we had put boxes in their places, made beds, and put pillows on couches, we made our way outside, used our fridge and stove for the first time and the house was finally becoming ours.

It would tell you of how I tore off that ugly butterfly wallpaper and blamed it all on my sister. It would be our little secret. It would tell you how black paint ended up all over my sister’s carpet and I actually took the blame for that one.

It would tell you the story of the day we got my dog. As my sister had gotten a bit older she had stopped screaming and crying over everything. Now we had a puppy. A crazy dog who would instead of scream, would bark at every fallen leaf and squirrel she saw. How she was afraid of ceiling fans and would chew on the door stops that we didn’t notice until there was a hole in the wall.

It would tell you of all of the friends I gained and lost in that house. Some friends would come and go but others were over every day for years and then they would be gone. It would be able to tell you of every Hannah Montana or Say Yes to the Dress marathon, to sleepovers and late night walks to the kitchen for chocolate covered pretzels.

It would tell you all of the bad things. From the hour-long fights and screaming matches that happened far too often. It would tell you of the times I snuck out of my house or got back past curfew. It would tell you of the night my mom walked out and was gone for the week. It would tell you about every tear my pillow came to know.

But most importantly it would tell you that within those 4 brick walls, a family was built, tested, and made it out alive. And if that’s not something to be proud of, I don’t know what is.

Until Thursday

Alicia

To my ex-best friend (The Queen),

Published on April 17, 2016October 14, 2016 by AliciaLeave a comment

Each time I see people sharing links with this title on facebook, I immediately think of you. I click on the link quickly, trying to see if their relationship was anything like ours. If their ending was anything like ours. It never is. Upon reading at least ten of them not one of them is relatable to how we stopped being friends. I like to think it’s because our friendship was unlike any other, so if it had to end, it would unlike any other as well.

Where does one even begin? At one point in my life, you were there for everything. From my bad days, my good days, and everything in between. You stuck by me through my awkward days and how you did that I have no idea and truly can’t thank you enough.

I had never had a friend like you until I met you and I don’t think I’ll ever have someone to compare to you after the years of friendship that we had. For years, I told you everything. I told you every minuscule detail about my life. From each boy I was in love with that week, to what so-and-so said about me. Everything. That’s what best friends do; they tell each other everything, the good and the bad. From how I aced my test or that it didn’t look like you had brushed your hair this month. And that’s just what we did.

We had our weddings planned out. We’d be each other’s maid of honors. Not telling our sister yet of course 😉 We spent almost every waking second together. You’d picked bridesmaids dresses to ensure that they were a color I would look good in. We had our lives planned out together. After graduating from college we were moving to Hoboken in a small apartment waiting to find true love and high paying jobs.

I will never forget the day I met you in 6th grade in Science class. You know I’m not much for believing in fate, but we were both in the process of losing best friends. I’d like to think we entered each other’s lives to lessen this burden and to take on the best friend title. I will never forget how you came to my house in 7th grade, and we took photo booth pictures together with my sister. Or in eighth grade when you came over on the snow day and we built such a pathetic snowman, but it was great because I made it with my best friend. I will never forget our summer bucket list blog and how we tried cramming the last 30 items on the list into 3 days. I will cherish those memories forever.

I want to thank you. I want to thank you for being my rock and my best friend. I want to thank you for always believing in me and helping me achieve my goals, one baseball pun at a time. I want to thank you for being the best friend I have ever had, and probably ever will. You have given all of my friends, present and future, such high expectations to meet, even if they don’t know it yet.

I want to thank you for opening up your home and for letting me befriend your entire family, even if I was always afraid of your dad. When I saw your dog died on facebook, I cried. Calby was such a sweetie, and while he was no Gracie, he was still a cute pup. When I saw your mom got diagnosed with cancer, I cried and I called my mom. I knew I had to text you. I knew it wouldn’t matter to you that I did, but she was my second mom for so many years, and I wanted to make sure you were both okay. I just want to thank you for impacting such a stressful and amazing time of my life, for the good and for the bad.

I also want to say that I’m sorry. I know we’ll never be friends again and I’m not saying that’s what I want. We’re different people than we were junior year.

I’m sorry we ended the way we did. Everyone says that friendships end because they drifted apart or they were too different. We weren’t different or drifting apart. We were basically the same person (other than the fact that I wore sweatpants every day and you wore dresses) and we were spending even more time together than usual. We starting hating each other, slowly and then all at once, the tension in every room we were in could be cut with a knife. We had more bad days than good days and I couldn’t take it. But I couldn’t tell you that. I hate discussing feelings (something I’ve improved upon since we stopped talking). We were both too afraid of feelings and confrontation that we avoided each other until our only way of communication was through letters and our friends acting as carrier pigeons.

Now remember, I have nothing against you, and I want to say that the time being your best friend were some of the best years of my life. I wish you nothing but the best in life, whether I’m in it to some extent or not is fine by me. I just wanted to for once in my life being open with my feelings (like you always told me to be) even if it is 2 years late.

Much love and summer fun
(Princess) Alicia (Jane Catherine) Heninger

P.S. the turtle I named after you died. Thought you should know

Rainy Days

Published on April 7, 2016February 1, 2018 by AliciaLeave a comment

Rainy days in California are rare, and almost nonexistent.However, upon checking the forecast for the upcoming week and seeing the raindrops dance across my screen, I can’t help but smile as my roommate grimaces at the thought.

The days leading up to the what Californians may call ‘gloomy’ day, are days of anticipation for me. It’s like the week before going home before a break or before a holiday.

Coming from a place where rain was not necessarily an everyday occurrence, but sure occurred more than most would like, to a place where rain has fallen from the sky about fie times in the past eight months, you cannot help but miss rain: the scent, the air before and after it rains, the calming noise it makes as it hits windows, trees, the glow it gives everything it graces.

Rain reminds me of home. At least once a week, winter spring summer or fall, rain washes over our city. With rain brings a new beginning. It washes away the snow of winter, brings flowers to life in spring, washes away chalk drawings of summer, and pushes the crunchy fall leaves down the road.

My midwest self had become so accustomed to the rain that the absence of it saddens me. Never did I think a day would come that I missed rain. But waking up to the pitter patter of raindrops on my ajar window and the cool breeze entering through my window,gives me a sensation that I can’t quite describe.

As the rain hits my mesh covered window, and the occasional drop pecking my face, I hum in admiration. Rain is different here. As sunny and 75 days are rare in Chicago, rainy days in California are just as rare. I admire the both of them equally. While Californians proclaim their hatred of rain, with the knowledge of drought in the back of their minds, they can;t help but smile at the necessity of rain and the thirst of the earth being quenched. Even if this just happens once a month.

Everyone says that rain makes them sad. How can you be sad when the earth is being given the beautiful gift of water to make the plants grow bigger, the snails emerge from they long hibernation, and the hope that a rainbow could peak out behind the clouds after it has rained all day?

I’m not sure how rain saddens people, but I am sure of one thing. Rain doesn’t sadden me. Thunder on the other hand…

Until Thursday
Alicia

March 20th 6:25am

Published on March 20, 2016February 1, 2018 by AliciaLeave a comment

6:25am As the birds chirp outside my window, signifying the first day of spring, I rise from my slumber to see the time illuminated on my phone. 6:25am it reads. Why would I be up this early on a Sunday morning. I look to my right to see my roommate’s covers pulled back as she is already getting ready for the gym and yoga to follow.

6:29 my phone now reads. The chirping of birds that I heard is replaced by the running of the faucet of those early Sunday risers. Unlocking my phone and peeking at all of my messages, I begin to realize that I may never get back to bed.

6:31 I hear a skateboard cruise along the sidewalk, only creating noise as it crosses the cracks on the sidewalk.

6:37, my door swings open, my room illuminated as my roommate steps back into the room. She grabs something unknown to me and leaves the room again, the room returning back to its dark state, the only light peaking in from under the door.

6:49 the room begins to get lighter as the sun makes its way over the parking structure adjacent to my window. The sky dances with new colors signifying the new day. The pinks, oranges, and reds of the sky casting their colors across every inch of land I can see from my small window.

7:30 The sun is up completely. The brightness causing me to close my blinds slightly as my sleep filled eyes aren’t yet used to all of this light. From across the room I can hear my roommate shuffle across the floor to put her shoes on. She thinks I’m still asleep so she tip-toes across the room collecting her belongings before silently embarking on her walk to the gym.

7:32 As the door closes softly, I am left with myself, the chirping birds, and the sun. I roll over in bed and the next time I check my phone it reads 9:17am.

Until Thursday

Alicia

P.S. Apparently my last post was my 50th post on this blog. That’s so exciting for me to have posted 50 things on here that people actually read and I can’t wait to post even more.

Dear Body…

Published on March 10, 2016February 1, 2018 by AliciaLeave a comment

Dear body,
You know this already, but I have rekindled my love for exercise and eating healthy and taking care of myself. Due to this, I have also recently realized that all of my years of hating you has taken its toll.

I have spent the past 10 years hating you. I have spent the last 10 years pinching and poking at you, as if my fingers possessed some sort of magic power, granting me the ability to make you smaller and fit society’s ideals. I have spent 10 years hating what I saw in the mirror looking back at me. I have spent the last 10 years telling my mom, dad, friends etc that I did put sunscreen on when in fact I didn’t but I wanted to change the eggshell coating I was given to obtain that longed after sun kissed glow. I have spent 10 years paging through magazines, looking in awe of actresses, singers, Victoria Secret models, and other celebrities near and far, asking myself why don’t you look like them. It has come to my attention that all of this negative energy, and poking, prodding, hating, it has harmed you.

At age 14, I started counting calories. After everyone had told me you were too big, too unhealthy. After my doctor had told me your size had skyrocketed. After people had told me than you needed to be sucked in, hid under clothes, changed, tampered with, etc. Because of all of this, I only allowed 1200 calories for you every day.I did this, hoping to make you smaller, more appealing, more loved, more accepted. When in reality I was harming you, depriving you of all you needed. All you needed to keep me functioning. What I would fill you with was 1200 calories of horrible, processed garbage. I was harming you. I was eating so little and not giving you the proper nutrients for a little girl to grow, flourish, thrive. I was trying to make you smaller, prettier, tanner. I was trying to make you the complete opposite of what you were. I would always leave you wanting more, my stomach grumbling with starvation, and for a while I would not give in.

Alas, these 1200 calorie days were not feasible. So I started bingeing. I would eat a carrot for breakfast. 30 calories for the most important meal of the day. Skipping lunch and then working out trying to burn as many calories as possible. When 3pm hit, and you were sick of being empty, I would fill you with any processed foods I could get my hands on from cookies, cakes, crackers, ice cream… anything to fill up my sad and grumbling stomach. I would do this constantly and then hate myself and you for letting this happen to me.

Everything I would do to you was out of hatred. Every blade to slice open my skin, every suicidal thought, every time I would starve myself to make you more appealing, every time I would binge, was out of hatred to you. When all this time, after all of the years I hated you, you did nothing but love me. You, you were the only one to love me unconditionally after all I had been through. After everything I did to you, you continued to love me.

I never realized all you have done for me. Every day and night for 19 years you have struggles keeping me alive… Struggled keeping me healthy, sane, thriving. Trying so hard to manage on the food I was putting into you, and it was hard. It has been so hard. And I’m so sorry. Every time I put the razor to my skin because I hated you so much, you would also try to fix yourself. Every part of my body adorned with scars show me this. Every time I would starve myself and not eat despite how many times your grumbles crying out for me to eat, you wouldn’t get mad at me. You still love me, despite everything I have done to you.

Every hateful word I have said and every harsh thing I have done to you, you have continued to love me unconditionally and keep me alive on this world. All I Have to say is that I am sorry. I am sorry for harming you. I am sorry for not loving you. I am sorry for not seeing all you have done and continue to do for me.

I am trying, body. I am trying to love you. I am trying to love you and myself. However, it’s been so hard. But I’m working on it. Nothing but good food has entered you since January 16th. My last binge was January 13th. The last time a razor touched you was September 3rd, 2015. I am working, and I am trying. Thank you for not giving up on me, despite all of the times I have given up on you. I love you.

Alicia

San Diego Power Outage 2016

Published on March 5, 2016May 27, 2018 by AliciaLeave a comment

Good evening. I seem to have been a little unaware that I had no previous post written and in the queue for Thursday, and noticed Thursday night. I would say it won’t happen again, but we both know it will. I’m only human.

The power is out on campus at the moment, and has been for the past 2 hours actually. Upon returning from retrieving some dinner for my roommate (the power went out whilst microwaving hers) and me attempting to use the backup lights in the hallways to get homework done, I figured I would blog.

Electricity is truly something we take for granted. It is always working and always there for us, but suddenly gone in the blink of an eye. I never realized how truly dependent we are on electricity. I say as I type on my laptop, which has a mere 47% battery left and no word on when the power will be back on.

After the power flickering on and off multiple times, and it not returning on after it had left the final time, my roommate and I peeked into the hallways to see that the backup hallways lights illuminated the otherwise dim building. Screams were heard outside of our building and inside as well. I heard many things but the most prevalent ones were “HOW WILL I CHARGE MY PHONE” and “I HAVE AN ESSAY DUE AT MIDNIGHT,” an essay that I will presume they have yet to even start or simply look at what it is on. This got me thinking.

We use electricity for virtually everything. From cooking dinner, lighting our houses (or dorms) to using our phones and computers. The human race is ever so dependent on electricity. And the fact that people were more concerned with how they would charge their phones rather than “will my food in my fridge last until the morning” or how will I be able to get filtered water if the filter isn’t working properly.

My roommate was livid. She’s from a decently wealthy background and couldn’t understand why this school, where she lives, isn’t equipped with the finest backup generators that California can provide. She couldn’t wait a mere 30 minutes to see if the power was back on before ordering about $20.00 worth of food from a vegan restaurant about 20 minutes away from campus. She had me accompany her to pick up her food, driving slowly enough so that her phone would charge above the 60% that she had upon leaving the dorm.

Personally I didn’t care. Honestly, yeah it would be great if my phone was charged and I could bring it to the gym in the morning to listen to my music, however the gym does have a pretty decent playlist so not having my phone wouldn’t be the end of the world. Honestly my number one concern was whether or not the gym would have power in the morning and if the showers would have hot water, post gym trip. It seems as if I was the only one concerned with these things. Things to keep me clean, healthy, and safe. Rather than my roommate and many others who actually had the audacity to ask if we were able to use the elevators and if they were working or not. I live on the 4th floor of my building and the trek of 3 flights of stairs for one night will not kill you. I made that ‘journey’ multiple times every day. Thank you fitbit for motivating me to go 10 flights of stairs everyday.

It’s funny too, how people were turning their laptops on, to see if the wifi was working, much to their dismay, it wasn’t. So, instead of just being content with no electricity and technology for a few hours, they logged onto their iTunes accounts to watch whatever movie they had downloaded when they were younger or to see if they had something to watch on their phones, while turning low power mode on just in case the power wasn’t on in the next 3 hours.

I do agree that electricity and technology have their benefits- weather, news, traffic, light, microwaves and fridges, etc. However, if I had to pinpoint the fall of humanity, the answer would also lie in technology. I’ll discuss that in another post.

For now, based upon the light that just flickered on above my head, and the jumping and screaming for joy heard outside my window, the electricity crisis of 2016 has come to an end and the San Diego State community will finally be able to continue on with their lives just as if the power outage had never happened

Talk to you all tomorrow (hopefully)
Alicia

Oscars 2016

Published on February 28, 2016May 27, 2018 by AliciaLeave a comment

Good afternoon everyone, in a few hours the Oscars will begin and every famous actor/actress whom I have looked up to since I was just a small little child with big aspirations of being a peer of theirs, will look flawless and almost unreal. They will be adorned in expensive gowns, suits, jewels, shoes, etc just for one night to win the award of a lifetime, and Oscar.

What is it about a small foot tall gold statue that gets everyone so worked up? Is it that once you win one, you are at a new level on acting? Does this mark the performance that was above all of the rest? Does not winning an Oscar after having so many phenomenal movies (yes I’m talking about the love of my life and twin Leonardo DiCaprio) make you any less of an actor?

Or is it more personal than this? Is an Oscar for actors an internal marker as well as an external one? Do actors compare themselves to Meryl Streep and Katherine Hepburn, 2 of those most decorated Academy Award winners in the past 88 years?

Just a few things I am wondering

Also, I swear if Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t win an Oscar tonight I will do quite a few things

Cry
Write a strongly worded letter to the Academy
Not watch the Oscars until the next time Leo is nominated

Talk to you all Thursday

Alicia 🙂

Coffee Shop Romance

Published on February 25, 2016May 27, 2018 by Alicia5 Comments

I fall in love with every handsome pair of eyes I come into contact with.

When I’m not in class or asleep I’m typically in a coffee shop. It’s not a habit I’m willing to break. It’s been going on for the last 5 months and probably won’t quit once I transfer to ASU or embark on my future career.

They have a very calming aura, one that I can’t seem to find anywhere else, and they have become much of a second home for me.

When I’m annoyed with my roommate, want to get out of the dorm and just away from everyone I know, I turn to coffee shops.

They provide me with a solace and safe haven away from judgement and they make me extremely happy to be there. No matter which one I go to, I love every second of my time there.

Whenever I embark on my day long journey to the coffee shop of my choice, I always come into contact with a masterpiece. I always want to go up to these boys’ parents and congratulate them on creating such a sight.

From the glances back and forth, to the slight smiles when I knock my phone off the table, I fall more in love with this person.

However, after hours of the unspoken conversation, one of must depart.

And I begin the wait until my next adventure.

And the next pair of eyes to fall in love with.

Alicia

I am in need of a new mentality

Published on February 21, 2016October 14, 2016 by AliciaLeave a comment

After my last post about inner beauty being the most important, I realized I never got to say what I actually wanted to discuss. I started off that post saying that I needed to improve n something. The original post title was actually the title of this post “I am in need of a new mentality.” The thing I need to work on is my inner thoughts and actions.

I saw on tumblr once that “The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think; what you think next defines who you are.” And I truly believe this to be true.

I’ll see someone with rainbow hair and hella piercing and at first I’ll be like “yikes” and right after I think that I’ll immediately regret thinking that and instead be like “wow girl you look bomb, more power to you. defy norms be awesome” etc.

I have also noticed I tend to do this more when with friends. When my friends are like “wow he/she looks ugly” or “why would they wear that” I tend to agree right off the bat. And I hate that I do that. It’s just second nature to judge people and that we live in a world where judgement comes so naturally.

Something I have always wanted /needed to do is to live a life of complete non-judgement. I need to stop basing my first reactions of people on my first judgemental thoughts. I know everyone is victim to it.

After dying my hair red, while there were so many people who were very supportive and who loved it, there were a ton of people who judged it, and people I didn’t know were also very judgemental of it too. They probably judged my whole self based on my hair color when in reality they knew nothing about me. It’s sad that this is the kind of world that we live in, but it’s reality.

I hate when I judge people based on random things. Maybe they have crazy hair, or a lot of piercings, or a ton of tattoos, maybe they have gauges, dress differently than me, or whatever else it may be. That doesn’t give me a right to judge them. Especially because I had had red hair, I have 3 tattoos, I have 11 piercings, and I don’t dress the same as everyone.

Just because someone is different than me doesn’t give me the right to judge. Just because I could never see myself with gauges or with a neck tattoo, doesn’t give me the right to judge those people who like those things. I don’t like being judged by people who don’t know me and basing me off of my appearance and not my personality. So, if I don’t like it, why can i judge others on the same things I hate? Oh right, I can’t.

That’s all for now.

Until Thursday

Alicia