Hi everyone, the other day I was doing some fall cleaning, and stumbled upon a letter my friend had written me a few years back. I was going to visit her family with her where her mom grew up. Basically, she wrote a guide on how to survive a week with her family by telling me who everyone was, what they do, and just random things I should know. Since Christmas is a time when boyfriends and girlfriends meet families, I figured I would make a guide to my family, not that I have a significant other that is going to meet them this year, but maybe I’ll be able to use this in the future. So, here we have a guide to some of my family members I spend Christmas with.
Terry- My grandfather. We have Christmas at his house (and my grandma Barb’s) every year. He is allergic to chocolate but eats it anyways. Always compliment his brownies and ask him about his life as a teacher/principal and you’ll be fine. Also, if his water bottle is empty, ask if he wants a new one. He will.
Barb- My grandma. She cooks everything and doesn’t sit down to eat until literally forced to by my mother. Very nice but will call you a “little shit” if you beat her in cards. Volunteer to help with dishes and she may start crying.
Liz- My aunt. She is usually nice but can be very judgemental (especially of hair colors, tattoos, and piercings). She will eat any Rice Krispie treat that comes in her path and drinks a lot of wine.
Jason- My uncle (Liz’s husband).
Can be a tool Usually is a tool who yells at the television nonstop, drinks a lot of alcohol, and is a very sore loser (he flipped the game of life and the wooden table on top of me when I got it for Christmas when I was 9). He is also known for not being a vegan supporter and giving vegans shit for being vegan. Jason has two kids- Megan and Jacob. Megan is married and Jacob changes where he lives every three months it seems.
Jim and Kelly- Jim is my mom and aunt’s brother but he’s sort of just there and they don’t spend a lot of time with the rest of the family. They are sort of irrelevant and Kelly just likes to complain about life so ignore them. They have three kids Ashley (love of my life), Luke (he said Hillary Clinton sucks so screw him), and Sean (my literally favorite cousin)
Alan and Lorene- my parentals. Pretty chill. My dad also yells at the TV (sports lol) and will probably fall asleep on the couch at some point during the day. My mom drinks a lot of wine and beer, eats too much, and the complains about how much she ate for the next 3 days.
Madi- my sister. Does not talk a lot. Usually on her phone. Doesn’t eat much. Talk to her about anime or Doctor Who and she will love you forever
Bill and Suzie- Suzie is my grandpa’s sister and Bill is her fiance. Suzie had a stroke a few months ago and is recovering. Her arm is still in a sling and she can’t speak very well, but she is doing good. Bill, just like my dad, will also most likely fall asleep on the couch at some point during the day.
Kristy- My Aunt Suzie’s daughter (not Bill’s). She has two kids (Will and Nathan) who typically don’t come because they spend Christmas with their dad. She sometimes brings a new boyfriend (she has a type- tattoos and piercings with lots and lots of hair gel, who are always super nice) and typically doesn’t bring them back. She is super nice though and is never judgey on anything. She also has really cool tattoos.
Robin and Ed- Robin is Kristy’s sister, who also has 2 kids (Kaylin(the love of my life) and Kira). Robin is super sweet and always wear high heels and dresses super nice, even when the rest of us are wearing jeans. Ed, on the other hand is very conservative, tags liberals in gun photos, and my mom and I have both unfriended him on Facebook. Do not talk to Ed… ever.
Kathy and Gary- Kathy is also my grandpa’s sister and Gary is her husband. The only thing Gary and I talk about is golf. He is always the one to cut the turkey and ham and I don’t know why. Kathy posts a lot of controversial things on Facebook followed by Buddha quotes which really pisses my mom off. No one really likes talking to her but we all have to anyways. She usuallt just talks to the adults but if a child walks in her line of sight, she can and will talk your ear off.
Patty and Mike- Patty is my grandpa’s final sister and Mike is her husband. My aunt Patty handmakes Christmas ornaments for everyone in the family. They take like 8 months for her to make them so we always remember to compliment the ornaments, not that we wouldn’t to begin with (she is very skilled and always makes amazing designs). Mike usually doesn’t come because he either has to work (no clue what he does) or is sick. So most people don’t have to worry about him.
But in the end, anyone under 20 hides in the basement until we are called up for linner (lunch/dinner) so there isn’t much to worry about. We basically spend the few hours watching Emperor’s New Groove and Princess Diaries until we are called up. When the elder people start filing out, we start playing cards and my grandparents start swearing.