Society Told Me

Yesterday was World Mental Health Day. It has exploded on twitter and it makes me smile to know that there are so many people in this world who struggle with the same issues that I do. It also makes me smile knowing that there are so many people speaking out about their illnesses despite society constantly dehumanizing us for having them.

Mental illnesses have always been something I struggled with. Although when I first started struggling I didn’t know they were called mental illnesses and I merely thought I was some emo freak who wanted to die for attention, because that’s what society told me.

I can remember the first time I ever thought about killing myself in seventh grade and how I thought  would never be happy. I remember thinking that I belonged in an insane asylum which is why it showed up in every single one of my seventh grade art projects. I laughed it off but secretly thought I belonged in one, because that’s what society told me. I can remember the first night I self-harmed and how I had to cover my arms and legs and stomach at all costs in fear of someone calling me out for being a freak and ostracizing me, because that’s what society told them to do. I can remember defending one of my friends for cutting and saying she was just like us. Each of them told me I was “as crazy as her” for saying something like that, and they were afraid she would kill herself because of the cutting, because that’s what society told them, that everyone who cuts is emo and will kill themselves.

Here I am, 7 years after I wanted to kill myself for the first time. I still do sometimes but I begin to realize that this feeling will pass and it won’t make anything better. I can remember the last time I ever self-harmed, a little bit over a year ago. I remember how happy I was when I was one-year self-harm free and how much I cried on that day because I never thought I would live to see that day.

Today I want society to piss off. Mental illnesses are normal. 1 in 4 people have them. The stigma behind mental illnesses needs to stop. If I post this anywhere, ever, I guarantee most people will not even believe this is something I struggle from, because unlike what society tells you, people who live with mental illnesses can function in everyday society just like those without.

The last thing anyone wants to hear is that it gets better, but the one thing everyone needs to hear is that you are not alone. I needed to hear that 7 seven years ago, I needed to hear that last night. World Mental Health Day exists for people who suffer from mental illnesses to know they are not alone. We may feel like it so often, but we aren’t. This day also exists so that we can end this stigma that accompanies mental illnesses. This stigma is the reason I waited 5 years to get help, the reason so many other wait that long or don’t get help at all. Society has dehumanized people with mental illnesses and this is our day, to show that we are humans and we are just as capable. Everyone fights their own battles, mine just take place inside of me.

I am in need of a new mentality

After my last post about inner beauty being the most important, I realized I never got to say what I actually wanted to discuss. I started off that post saying that I needed to improve n something. The original post title was actually the title of this post “I am in need of a new mentality.” The thing I need to work on is my inner thoughts and actions.

I saw on tumblr once that “The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think; what you think next defines who you are.” And I truly believe this to be true.

I’ll see someone with rainbow hair and hella piercing and at first I’ll be like “yikes” and right after I think that I’ll immediately regret thinking that and instead be like “wow girl you look bomb, more power to you. defy norms be awesome” etc.

I have also noticed I tend to do this more when with friends. When my friends are like “wow he/she looks ugly” or “why would they wear that” I tend to agree right off the bat. And I hate that I do that. It’s just second nature to judge people and that we live in a world where judgement comes so naturally.

Something I have always wanted /needed to do is to live a life of complete non-judgement. I need to stop basing my first reactions of people on my first judgemental thoughts. I know everyone is victim to it.

After dying my hair red, while there were so many people who were very supportive and who loved it, there were a ton of people who judged it, and people I didn’t know were also very judgemental of it too. They probably judged my whole self based on my hair color when in reality they knew nothing about me. It’s sad that this is the kind of world that we live in, but it’s reality.

I hate when I judge people based on random things. Maybe they have crazy hair, or a lot of piercings, or a ton of tattoos, maybe they have gauges, dress differently than me, or whatever else it may be. That doesn’t give me a right to judge them. Especially because I had had red hair, I have 3 tattoos, I have 11 piercings, and I don’t dress the same as everyone.

Just because someone is different than me doesn’t give me the right to judge. Just because I could never see myself with gauges or with a neck tattoo, doesn’t give me the right to judge those people who like those things. I don’t like being judged by people who don’t know me and basing me off of my appearance and not my personality. So, if I don’t like it, why can i judge others on the same things I hate? Oh right, I can’t.

That’s all for now.

Until Thursday