Tag: teen blog

Brand New World

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Nov. 4: Which fall shows should totally be canceled already?

Ok, BlogHer, what the hell is this? With Netflix, hulu, on demand, and my DVR, how does anyone know which shows are fall shows anymore? I just record stuff and then watch it months later and go on with my life. So, I have no clue which fall shows there are and which ones should be cancelled. If I don’t like them… I don’t watch them… end of story.

Okay, good talk. Anyway, now I am going to talk about what I actually want to write about.

My dad’s co-worker is from Germany and she immigrated from Germany to the United States 30 ish years ago. Her niece is in town from Germany, and Heike (my dad’s coworker) asked me if I would take Neele, her niece, and show her Chicago and all of its glory. We went yesterday and it was really fun and while I was able to teach Neele about Chicago and American culture, I learned just as much about Germany and its culture. .

I drove with my dad to work (tbt to those working days at the factory) and Neele drove with Heike. We then took the train downtown from the station by their work. Neele was telling me that where she lives in Germany, and most of Europe, the tallest buildings are nowhere near as high as the skyscrapers littering the Chicago lakeshore. In her town, the tallest building is student living at the nearby university and it is only 8 stories tall. The Sears Tower… has 110 stories.

When you are on the train, for the most part you just drive through suburbs and see graffiti marking the path of the metra. However, on the final turn as we approach Union Station, the skyline is in perfect view. Every beautiful building that makes Chicago such a remarkable city is in sight and the Sears Tower sits above all the others, basking in all of its glory. Neele’s jaw drops and the only words she can get past her lips are “Oh my god.” A long list of oh my gods to be specific.

Growing up here, it’s just Chicago. The Sears Tower, the Hancock, the Lake, etc. It’s normal for me to have it at my fingertips. But for Neele to never having seen buildings like this, she was in awe.

Upon dodging commuters and their pre-coffee attitudes, we made our way out onto Wacker drive, the same Wacker Drive that the Sears Tower is placed. As Neele takes in her surroundings, I tell her to look up and once again she is speechless. Yes, the buildings look unimaginably tall when you’re far away but being right next to the tallest building on the Western Hemisphere is surreal.

After admiring all of the buildings I took her to the Shedd Aquarium and the Field Museum. They are right next to each other and complete tourist hubs. Unless of course you go on a weekend, then it’s field trip city (yes I know from experience).

The Shedd is very cool in that, the fish, amphibians, reptiles, etc. are sorted by their natural location on the world. As we walked through all of the exhibits to the Great Lakes region (Chicago and the midwest area) she was amazed that these creatures lived in the depths of lakes and so close to where she was staying. Upon seeing the alligator snapping turtle that could easily rip off a person’s hand with its bird of prey like beak, she once again was at a loss for words.

The Field museum was decent, we were pretty tired because she was jet lagged still and I got no sleep after the world Series win last night, so we sort of just glanced around and then visited a really cool exhibit about tattoos which we both enjoyed.

All in all, Neele is super sweet and I think we’ll take another trip downtown, explore a bit more and such. I also learned that people outside of America think that Americans are Trump-loving, Twinkie-eating, rednecks. Seriously. Neele’s friends instructed her that she had to bring twinkies back so everyone could try them. I think I have eaten a single twinkie in my entire life.

Until tomorrow,

Alicia

P.S. Normally I would have taken loads of pictures but we were so captivated by each other and all we had to say the only time I pulled my phone out was to get an uber and to have my dad pick us up from the train station.

 

Don’t bite your tongue

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Nov. 3: If you could be completely honest with no regrets, what would you say and to whom?

As I read this prompt, I really couldn’t think of all that many people. I mean, yeah I have had to bite my tongue on occasion instead of saying something I would regret later, but honestly, not that many. I have decided to write to a general population instead of just like my friend so and so or whatever. So yeah, let’s do this.

To Trump Supporters: You are all idiots. The fact that you want to elect this complete idiot for president is absurd and outrages me as not only an American citizen, but as a woman, as a Black Lives Matter Support, as an LGBTQ supporter, as a lower-middle-class citizen. A man who is going to court in the next few weeks for CHILD RAPE, a man who has said you can do anything to a woman, even “grabbing her by the pussy,” a man who is a complete racist asshole and A MAN WHO HAS EVEN SAID THAT REPUBLICANS ARE STUPID AND WILL LISTEN TO WHATEVER LIES ARE THROWN THEIR WAY… Yes he said that. While this election hasn’t changed my views on who can be president, it has changed the way I look at any human who has the audacity to publicly support this candidate.

To people who hate on other people for being ‘basic:’ Okay, I have been called a ‘basic bitch’ more times than I can count. Just because I like fall, and Starbucks, and I wear leggings, and listen to pop music doesn’t make me any less of a person than you. Fall is a cool season, so are all the other ones (not summer because humidity and hot). Starbucks is good, Dunkin is good, coffee and tea and frilly drinks are GOOD. LEGGINGS ARE COMFORTABLE. They’re like sweatpants but less ugly so while you talk shit about my leggings, I’ll leave all the fucks I give in the pocket of my jeans I don’t wear. I listen to pop music. I also listen to alternative music. It’s called pop because it’s popular. HATING THINGS OTHER PEOPLE DO DOESN’T MAKE YOU COOL. IT MAKES YOU AN ASSHOLE.

To every person that has ever been a bitch to me: I hate all three of you and I hope you rot in non-existent hell.

Until tomorrow,

Alicia

Bravery

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NaBloPoMo Day 2: When was the last time you did something brave? What happened?

For as long as I can remember, I have never been a quitter. I mean, I have quit things (who hasn’t) but not when quitting directly affects someone besides myself. My senior year, I quit water polo (due to my job and my knee) but it was out of my hands (the knee part) and I quit very early on in the season before anything was set in stone about starters and positions and things like that. It’s not that I have a problem saying no in general, per say, but once I am invested in something, I do tend to have a more difficult time getting the word “no” to leave my mouth.

If you’ve followed my blog for at least the past two weeks, you may have read my post about me quitting my nannying job. I feel like a broken record saying this but I feel me quitting was very brave of me, especially considering it is not something I do usually, or ever for that matter.

For the first time ever, I was able to stand up for myself when I wasn’t being treated properly and was able to make it out of a toxic environment before it got too crazy. Standing up for myself and being able to tell someone that enough I enough is not something I’m typically comfortable with and the fact that I did it shows great bravery, in my opinion.

While I am out of a job right now, getting away from that one is more important than the $13 an hour I was getting

Until tomorrow

Alicia

NaBloPoMo Day 1

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Nov 1st Prompt: When you’re having a bad day with your mental health, what do you do to help yourself?

This is actually a funny topic (not funny per say more like ironic) because I’ve actually been having a bad mental health couple of days recently and have done just about everything I know possible to help myself mentally.

Whenever I think of having a bad mental day, the only thing I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep all day. That’s nice to do every once in awhile, but when you have bad mental days as often as I do, it’s just not realistic.

The first thing I do is shower, or take a bath. Whenever I have a bad mental day, I typically cannot feel anything. I am basically the embodiment of an emotional void and the only thing that helps is feeling the warmth on my skin as the water cascades down my body. The cool air as I step out of the shower, and the same cold yet soothing feeling as I soothe lotion all over my body.

Once I’m soft and clean, I put on my comfiest pair of pajamas, twist my hair in a bun, and write. I write about my emptiness, I write about how I want to feel, I write about things that make me feel, anything. I listen to classical music to keep me calm and get my creative juices flowing.

While I write, I prepare some tea (Earl Grey is my personal fave). While my body still can’t feel emotion, the scalding tea reminds me that I do in fact, exist, and I’m alive. Just simply holding the mug, and letting the heat radiate onto my fingers, reminds me to feel.

I sometimes do other things like bake, work out, etc, but what I mentioned above is the gist of what I do most often. See you tomorrow

Alicia

P.S. For everyone who wants to blog along… Here are the prompts for the week

Nov 1: When you’re having a bad day with your mental health, what do you do to help yourself?

Nov. 2: When was the last time you did something brave? What happened?

Nov. 3: If you could be completely honest with no regrets, what would you say and to whom?

Nov. 4: Which fall shows should totally be canceled already?

Nov 5: Free Write

Nov 6: Free Write

National Blog Posting Month

Published on by Alicia6 Comments

Hi everyone,

In an attempt to become more consistent in my posting and from seeing a ton of blogs do this last year, I am going to be participating in National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo).

For those of you who don’t know what that is, November is in fact National Blog Posting Month. A few years back, someone created the hashtag #NaBloPoMo and more recently, BlogHer took it over. BlogHer creates prompts for each weekday (weekends are free writes) to get people motivated to write every day during the month of November. You don’t have to use every prompt as they are there for just guidance and to get the writing juices flowing. The prompts will be posted every week (according to BlogHer’s twitter) so I will post them here as they become available or you can check out BlogHer’s website for the prompts.

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I encourage everone to join in on this with me as in the past, the prompts have been very versatile and it’s very interesting seeing each blog’s take on certain prompts.

Until tomorrow

Alicia

Happy 1st Blogiversary

Published on by Alicia20 Comments

Hi everyone. As you can probably understand from the title of this post, a year ago today I posted my first blog post on this blog. While this wasn’t my first blog by any means (I think this is actually my 4th), this is still a momentous occasion for me. Not only is this my one year blogiversary, but it is also my 100th post. 100 posts. To me that is a pretty huge milestone. Most blogs won’t make it to 100 posts, let alone a year, and I made it to both of them in one day. While looking back on this hectic year of blogging (and not blogging) I realized that this blog and I have been through a lot.

When I say this blog and I have been through a lot, I don’t mean the 5 URLs and over 30 blog headers, or the insane amount of hiatuses I took.

With my other blogs, I never really tried making blogger friends, I never bothered to read other blogs, and more often than not I never posted consistently. With this blog, however, I have made quite a few blogger friends, and even if we haven’t spoken, I have left and received comments by very sweet bloggers. I read the blogs I follow now and enjoy doing so. With the consistency thing… I definitely did have a few months in the past year that I hardly posted or I would post everyday for two weeks and then be gone for a month but life is life and I definitely post at least a smidge more consistently than I did on my other blogs.

This blog has also inspired me to talk. Not just to talk, but to speak out and freely about things I am passionate about. I have posted about mental health, physical health, money, college, and life in general without judgement. I now not only speak out on this medium of blogging, but also on other social medias and in person, something I never ever would have thought of doing prior to starting this blog.

This blog has given me a sense of confidence I never thought would be possible and I really want to thank everyone who follows, likes, and comments on my posts for continuing to let this confidence grow and this blog grow as well. I’m nowhere near a ‘popular’ blog but the blogs I follow and the people I have grown to know on wordpress make me feel like I have the best blog on the planet.

So thank you to all of my followers who have been there since the beginning and everyone who just followed me in the past week. You are all amazing.

So here’s to 100 more posts and many more blogging years to come.

Alicia

Babysitting Update

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I know I just did a college update but combining them would have been super long so I split it into two different update posts.

So, I mentioned earlier that I had acquired a babysitting job and that really was the only thing keeping me sane. It made me have to get out of bed, eat, shower, etc.

I also mentioned hoe great the kids and family in general was. However, typically when babysitting, the kids should be the most difficult part of the job, not the parents. In my case, however, the parents are killing me. I have been at this job for 6 (?) weeks and I went from babysitter to maid in the blink of an eye.

During my interview, the father told me I would have to make the girls’ bed, do their dishes, and sometimes help with laundry. It’s fine I do all of that at home and I have helped other families similarly. When I first started, the grandparents were in town from India and the grandma was helping a lot: making their bed occasion, cleaning up random items, etc. However, the day the grandparent left, my life became a living hell.

The mom now expected me to vacuum and dust the girls room and the living room, weekly, do all of the girls’ laundry and then iron the girls’ clothes, clean their whole living space, and then some. I am only being paid $13 an hour and when you have to watch the kids, drive the kids to and from places, and be their personal bitch, that isn’t enough nor is there enough time in the 25 hours I am there per week to get everything done.

The parents told me on my first day there that the girls were far too dependent on their parents and past babysitters so I needed to let them do things themselves. Because of this, I did let the girls do things on their own. However, the mom scolded me when I let the girls brush their teeth themselves, pick their own clothes, and choose their own snacks after school. WHAT

To top it off, they got mad at me when I didn’t pick up their daughter on time. Reasonable, right? Wrong, the mother told me  that the bus would arrive at the stop at 1150 (early dismissal) and ended up arriving at the stop at 1130. Not my damn fault. Anyway, the dad got pissed at me for no reason so not only did I have to drive to her school to pick the kid up, but I also managed to get a lecture from the parents.

In the end, I was tired of being asked too much, being scolded when I couldn’t complete all the tasks asked of me, and not being paid nearly enough for these things. Now, I will begin looking for another job. In the meantime you can catch me, doing no harm, but taking no shit as well.

Until next time

Alicia

Society Told Me

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Yesterday was World Mental Health Day. It has exploded on twitter and it makes me smile to know that there are so many people in this world who struggle with the same issues that I do. It also makes me smile knowing that there are so many people speaking out about their illnesses despite society constantly dehumanizing us for having them.

Mental illnesses have always been something I struggled with. Although when I first started struggling I didn’t know they were called mental illnesses and I merely thought I was some emo freak who wanted to die for attention, because that’s what society told me.

I can remember the first time I ever thought about killing myself in seventh grade and how I thought  would never be happy. I remember thinking that I belonged in an insane asylum which is why it showed up in every single one of my seventh grade art projects. I laughed it off but secretly thought I belonged in one, because that’s what society told me. I can remember the first night I self-harmed and how I had to cover my arms and legs and stomach at all costs in fear of someone calling me out for being a freak and ostracizing me, because that’s what society told them to do. I can remember defending one of my friends for cutting and saying she was just like us. Each of them told me I was “as crazy as her” for saying something like that, and they were afraid she would kill herself because of the cutting, because that’s what society told them, that everyone who cuts is emo and will kill themselves.

Here I am, 7 years after I wanted to kill myself for the first time. I still do sometimes but I begin to realize that this feeling will pass and it won’t make anything better. I can remember the last time I ever self-harmed, a little bit over a year ago. I remember how happy I was when I was one-year self-harm free and how much I cried on that day because I never thought I would live to see that day.

Today I want society to piss off. Mental illnesses are normal. 1 in 4 people have them. The stigma behind mental illnesses needs to stop. If I post this anywhere, ever, I guarantee most people will not even believe this is something I struggle from, because unlike what society tells you, people who live with mental illnesses can function in everyday society just like those without.

The last thing anyone wants to hear is that it gets better, but the one thing everyone needs to hear is that you are not alone. I needed to hear that 7 seven years ago, I needed to hear that last night. World Mental Health Day exists for people who suffer from mental illnesses to know they are not alone. We may feel like it so often, but we aren’t. This day also exists so that we can end this stigma that accompanies mental illnesses. This stigma is the reason I waited 5 years to get help, the reason so many other wait that long or don’t get help at all. Society has dehumanized people with mental illnesses and this is our day, to show that we are humans and we are just as capable. Everyone fights their own battles, mine just take place inside of me.

Fall Mixtape

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When I had one of my previous blogs, my friend and I decided to choose a summer song that was sort of our anthem for the summer. We used it in each of our youtube videos as background music and whenever it played on the radio, we were ecstatic. So, i have decided to make a fall playlist and why I chose each song. Also, this list is just such a jumble of random songs of many genres, they’re just songs I have been jamming to lately and want to share.

1: Closer- Chainsmokers ft. Halsey

Okay, so this is a jam and anyone who tells me otherwise is lying or needs their ears checked. This is a song that I dance around my house in my underwear to. Also, whenever this song comes on when I’m driving I turn the radio up super high and jam (mom if you’re reading this, I am still being safe even if I am using one of my arms to fist bump). I have listened to this song at least 100 times since they performed it on the MTV video awards in August. I also like it because I want a tattoo on my shoulder and they sing about one (lol).

2: My Body- Young the Giant

This is another jam of mine. I have sort of been a fan of this band for a couple of years but I recently started getting more into them and discovered this song, as well as many other amazing ones. This is another one of those jamming in your underwear songs.

3: Sit Still, Look Pretty- Daya

I’m all for independent women songs, especially in this era (all eras really) when it is instilled in women that they have to be at a man’s every beckon call. This is such a great song, mood uplifter, and empowering song to women everywhere. However, almost every song by Daya and Alessia Cara seem to have that effect. I’m also a fan because every time I have been in a car or it has come up on Spotify or whatever, every man always asks what HBIC means. It’s sort of funny because the notion a woman can be in charge leaves men and their masculinity in shambles.

4: That’s My Girl- Fifth Harmony

Another lady jam. Fifth Harmony has been quite the group of role models for young women everywhere who need to show anyone that they are independent and amazing and don’t need validation from anyone. This is their most recent single released off of their album and even though I wouldn’t consider myself a huge fan (harmonizer I think they call themselves), kudos to them for empowering women everywhere.

5: Make You Miss Me- Sam Hunt

Don’t judge me for liking Country music. My dad has literally lived on a farm and I was raised on it (the music not the farm). Also, I don’t care if you don’t appreciate my music taste. It’s a nice slow song that has a lot of meaning for him and is nice for car rides alone, aka me all the time because I have no friends (jk my drive to and from work but not jk about the no friends part)

6: Cancer- Twenty One Pilots

If any of you are/were My Chemical Romance fans, you may be familiar with the song Cancer. Twenty One Pilots recently covered it, and if I ever need a good cry or a moment to remember how fragile life is, I give it a listen. My grandma died of cancer in the fall and a playlist without a song dedicated to her, wouldn’t be complete.

7: 1997- Saint Motel

I love this song. I absolutely adore it. I am actually seeing them in concert in like 2 weeks and am PUMPED. Anyway, it’s an amazing song and I was also born in 1997 so bonus. It’s a bit of a slower song, not super slow, not super fast, but awesome nonetheless.

8: This Town- Niall Horan

Alrighty, I was (still am) always a HUGE One Direction fan, so last week Niall Horan shook my entire existence by releasing this song. I haven’t listened to it enough to memorize every word yet, but I am working on it. I miss the band, but I am super happy for each of the band members (except Zayn, RIP Zayn) that they are happy and living their lives during their break (?) or whatever they’re doing. No one really knows what is going on with that band anymore.

9: From the Ground Up- Dan and Shay

Another country song. Woot. This is such a cute song about family and love and other gross stuff. I have never aspired to have a family of my own but if I were to, I would want it to resemble the family that Dan and Shay sing about in the song.

10: Cool Girl: Tove Lo

I had planned on putting 13 songs on here but, as you can tell from my last 3 descriptions as to why they are featured on this playlist, they were lacking. It is almost 1 in the morning and I have to be up at 715. Hahahahahahahaha kill me. Anyway, this is a Cool Song (get it because the title is Cool Girl). Ok, enough exhaustion filled jokes. I really like this song and it is a jam and I go hard to it every time it comes on the radio, which of course, since all radio stations play the same 7 songs for weeks on end, has been a lot.

 

Well, if this gets good feedback, I might make one for each season. Please Note that Winter’s will mainly consist of Christmas Carols with #1 being Mariah Carey’s iconic ‘All I Want for Christmas is You”

Until next time,

Alicia

 

 

Addicted… to Social Media

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Hello all. Today, I was browsing the snapchat discovery page and saw a girl gave up social media for a month and discussed her overall experience, pros, cons, etc. I have seen many people (not really.. Only about 5) give up social media and then write about their overall experience. What struck me in the article I read today, was that she discussed reasons why she went back on social media… No one, other than this one obviously, has discussed why they returned to social media, only the pros of giving it up. All of these people, including myself, did discuss why social media is controlling, frustrating,etc, but I realize I never mentioned, in depth, the reasons I didn’t bid adieu to social media forever. So, I figured I would give a few pros to social media, and revisit a few of the cons as well.

Pro #1: Keeping up to date on what your friends/family are doing.

I follow over 500 people on instagram, about 300 on twitter, have over 1000 facebook friends, and probably 150 or so snapchat amigos as well. Social media gives me the opportunity to keep track of what they’re doing with their lives. Obviously, I hear big events from people I am close with via text, phone call, or face to face encounter. However, random things, like cool concerts, adventures, and other random things that I may think are cool are not always brought up. While not everything I see or read on social media about people is life changing, I do like seeing when people I am close with, or even simple acquaintances are having a blast in their lives.

Con #1: Political Posts

These are the reasons I still don’t have the facebook app downloaded on my phone. POLITICAL POSTS. Yes, I post my own, almost everyone I know posts something political every once in awhile. A girl has blocked me for my liberal posts and when I see people who are so intolerant and unaware of the state of our country it makes me want to vomit. I totally understand that people have their own opinions, no matter how much sometimes they make me cringe, but being as ass to someone for their views isn’t something I’m too keen on. And when people have the audacity to bring their Donald Trump bullshit onto MY POST I draw the line right there and will drag them into the dark depths of republican hell… Hillary Clinton-ville.

Pro #2: Memes/filters/fun

You are lying to me if you say that putting on funny alien faces and having fireworks pop out of your face on snapchat isn’t funny. Despite the terrible Harambe incident, the memes are chuckle worthy. Whenever I go on social media I am bombarded with memes, stupid filters, and videos of funny people doing funny things. I could spend hours on vine looking at people talking about their croc tattoos, random dancing videos, and cats doing actions that hysterically correlate to songs. If I had to thank social media for one thing, it’s making me laugh until I am crying and my stomach hurts on a daily basis.

Con #2: Take up time when could do something productive

My favorite thing to do is going on twitter and seeing people tweeting about how much homework they have, or how many tests they have to study for. WHY ARE YOU TWEETING IT WHEN YOU COULD BE STUDYING? Maybe I should practice what I preach. Whenever I am trying to get out of doing work, I immediately grab my phone and press the twitter app. All of a sudden it is an hour later, and I have scrolled past countless tweets, videos, and photos and have yet to write that 5-page essay. Hmmmmm. It is nice to check a few times a day, but when there are more pressing issues, such as homework that can’t complete itself, social media can be quite the menace.

Pro #3: Being independent of your phone

My phone was always sort of a safety blanket for me. Any ‘awkward’ moment I found myself immersed in, I would immediately pick my phone up, like today when my avocados dropped out of my cart and I didn’t notice and had to wait for a lady to go “Miss, you dropped these!” from 50 feet away. I immediately thanked her and pulled my phone out, mindlessly scrolling through in order to forget the situation that had just occurred.

Whether I would be walking to class, waiting for our professor, standing in line at the grocery store, any moment of silence I would pull my phone out. I still do that, less frequently, though. I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100% independent from my phone and comfortable enough to not pull out my phone in any awkward moment of my life, but I am starting to be more independent from it, and I don’t need it attached at my hip every second of the day anymore, which is a start.

Con #3: Rude people

I know this is a bit more popular when you have quite an instagram following, but cyber bullying is a real thing, even if there are quite a few people who seem to think it isn’t a pressing topic. I have personal experience on this and I know many other people do as well. Rude people are everywhere and it’s a shame that people hide behind computer screens to show hatred. I know you can go on private and block people blah blah blah, but if people really want to talk shit, as unfortunate as this is,  they will find a way.

 

Ther you all have it. A social media review from both sides. Hope you all enjoyed this post and the fact that I’m getting back in the swing of things and posting more frequently.

Until next time

Alicia

hey fam i’ve been gone for a month and here’s why

Published on by Alicia1 Comment

Hi friends, sorry for changing my URL once again… haha I suck and am very indecisive. But I like this one and it might (hopefully) stay fro more than a month. Anyway, I decided to blog, mainly because I’ve been in the writing mood lately, yet I haven’t had much to say. Despite this, I wanted to get some words down on paper, or word doc. I had only posted once in August, if you can even call that pitiful post a legitimate post. So I decided to talk about my life a little and what I’m doing with my life, or what I’m not doing with it.

For starters, I’m not going to school. And let me tell you, playing the role of college dropout (not really but that’s what my dad called me) who drives her sister to school in fleece penguin pajama pants and then naps until noon is not all it’s made out to be.

As much as I thought I would love not going to school, not learning, being freed of homework and deadlines, I miss it. I miss school. I miss San Diego more than anything. All of my friends back there are having the times of their lives and I’m here, alone. I mean I do have friends who also stayed home but it’s still not the same. All of my friends and even my sister tell me they’re jealous of a life without homework, but I’d long to do something of the nature. I sleep a lot, I drive my sister to school, and I babysit. That’s it. I play with my dog too sometimes, when she’s not sleeping. Really that’s it.

I’ve been a bad vegan. I ate milk chocolate and a few other things. Not only morally do I regret doing that, but physically as well. My stomach is throwing me the bird for putting those toxins in my body and I feel like I’m dying.

Babysitting has been the highlight of the time I’ve been gone, so let’s discuss that. I started nannying for a family 6 days a week about 15 minutes from my house. They’re a cute Indian family and the whole family is very sweet. The girls are kind, far too hyper, but kind nonetheless. They call me “Miss Alicia” which is the sweetest and most polite thing I’ve ever heard. Aadya is 8 and Dhiti is 6. Aadya loves reading and you have to tell her to put a book down so she can do other things, such as eat and shower. Dhiti can’t stand reading and would rather play restaurant than anything else. They are always eager for me to try their Indian sweets too, which are always delicious, I am ecstatic I found them because they are such a genuine family. They also pay well which is a plus any day.
That’s really it though, I haven’t been doing much. I hope to be blogging more but at the rate I’m at, and the sheer writer’s block I have right now, I won’t be making any promises.
I feel like my blog has become a clutter of random writings, sadness, and life updates and I hope to sort of make a theme for my blog (i guess all of those fit into the lifestyle category… a chaotic lifestyle I suppose) but we’ll see.

So, until I find something to write about or I get my life together
Alicia

kinda sad, kinda empty

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*Let’s get this shitshow started* It’s been a while since I’ve posted. It’s been a while since I’ve even sat at my computer and written. It’s been a while since I’ve done anything remotely productive really.

There have been so many times in the past month to month and a half where I’ve opened up WordPress  and wanted to write, where I tried to write. I even started a post in my drafts a week or two ago, and just wasn’t motivated to finish it. Although I haven’t really been motivated to do much of anything recently, it’s whatever.

I stopped going to work almost entirely. In the last month that I was working I think I went 5 days. I was sick at first and then I was just encapsulated by my bed. I’ve been sleeping day in and day out. The left side of my face is littered with blemishes due to it spending so much time with my pillow. I sleep so much yet the bags under my eyes are more prominent than ever.  And if I wasn’t sleeping, I was moping and laying in bed, only emerging from my fortress to use the bathroom. Half the time I don’t know what day it is, despite it being displayed every time I tap the home button on my iPhone.

I’m not eating, drinking, exercising, I’m not doing anything. I’ve lost 8 pounds in the last month.

I’m depressed. I’m not sure why, but I am. Being at home makes me depressed. I have to be home for at least the next 4 months too. And to be completely and utterly honest with all of you, I don’t want to be depressed for the next 4 months.

It’s funny, at least I think it’s funny. I was sad and empty and depressed for years. It’s like I was trapped. I was hollow. It was as if every second of my life more of my insides were widdled away, until there was nothing left to hollow out.

Then I left my small Chicago suburb for San Diego and it was as if I had never been sad in my entire life. A weight, a forlorn weight, had been lifted off my shoulders and I was free. I was happy, I smiled. I smiled real smiles. I laughed real laughs.  I was truly happy. I don’t smile at home. At least not real smiles. I plaster on the occasional fake smile every once in a while so people don’t think I’m as desolate as I really am. The only things I laugh at now are pointless vines my sister shows me. And I am definitely not happy. I have been home for only 3 months and in those 3 months all of my happiness has diminished and it was like I had never gone to California in the first place.

My hair is brown. I dyed it the other day. I thought that would make me at least a little happy. It didn’t.

I haven’t washed my hair since we dyed it and the only reason I showered then was because I had to rinse the excess dye out. The shirt I’m wearing is dirty. I only put it on today so it looked like I showered and put on clothes. It has a stain on it from the last time I wore it(tea I think) and it has a stain I got on it from eating some leftover pasta at my 10:00 dinner tonight. My face is clean. It’s only clean because I found a face mask and wanted to try it. The mask said to apply to clean skin.

One of my eyebrows is tweezed. The other, I lost any spur to do it, so I didn’t. I haven’t worn a bra in days and I live in sweatpants now.

I’m not sure what this post is about. I really don’t. I don’t want pity. I don’t know what I want. It’s sort of just a life update post, a pretty pathetic one at that.

It’s 1:30 in the morning right now so I’m feeling kinda emo, but I just want to feel things. I don’t want this hollow feeling coursing through my body every second of the day. I want to be able to feel. I want to feel joy, rage, repugnance, dismay hell even melancholy.I just want to feel something, anything. Because right now this hollow pit  has encapsulated my entire being and is dragging me to places I don’t want to be dragged.

I just think I miss being happy, being able to feel. But until I get those abilities back, you can catch me laying in bed in week old sweatpants, unkempt hair, with my Shrek pillow pet.

Until next time
Alicia

383:Algebra Teacher

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642 things to write about prompt: Write down everything you can remember about your algebra teacher

Geoff Geltner. He let us call him Gee-off even though his name was pronounced Jeff.  2nd-hour algebra, right after gym. During the swim unit of gym, he would always ask my friends and I if we were given swirlies and we mirrored wet dogs.  Freshman year of highschool. Every day he donned far too large khakis of either brown, beige, or olive. On top he wore polo shirts and every Friday wore jeans and a blue and white t-shirt (Spirit day). It was his first year using the smart board. One day I remarked how poor his handwriting was on the board (jokingly) and then he made me use the smart board for the entire day. My handwriting was worse. He has 2 kids, a boy and a girl I think and he talked about them a lot. He never said the word shit. He used the phrase shiitake mushrooms instead. I didn’t know what a shiitake mushroom was then… I do now. He had glasses and brown hair and was always smiling. I don’t think I ever saw him upset about anything. He would run down the halls and we never really knew why. He still remembered me, and waved and said hello even in my senior year. He called my mom on the last day of school to tell her I was the 4th best student he had out of 100+ students. He loved the phrase “and it blew away like a fart in the wind.” He gave an award for the student with the most perfect pages (pages on a test with 0 mistakes). He told us it was a “Toyota” but he really meant “Toy yoda.” he was always kind and never wanted to embarrass students or make them do things they didn’t want to. We switched seats once a quarter and for the entire week after switching, he would look around the room at least 5 times before finding the student he was in need of. He was my favorite teacher I’ve ever had.

Alicia

P.S. I have run out of goodbye gifs and that’s sad but maybe I’ll start with quotes or some other garbage. Give me ideas. ty

The life of an extroverted introvert

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Wanting to do absolutely everything and absolutely nothing all at the same time. Have a weekend free from work, homework, and obligations, and not being able to decide whether or not I should lie in bed for the entire 48 hours or see as many friends as I possibly could.

Why am I like this I wonder. Why is it, that despite wanting to see my friends and spend time with them and use every valuable ounce of time I have available to see them, I somehow still manage to retreat to my bedroom and stair at the ceiling while listening to my music on shuffle.

It’s strange too. When I choose to leave the solace of my room to spend time with others, I also seem to be wishing I was back home in bed, and that I’d never even left bed that day. Yet, when I stay in bed all day and I see my friends hanging out with other friends, I tend to wish I had accepted their invitations all too often.

Somedays I wish I could be one of those people who sees 5 or more friends in a day and has a party while doing it. Some days I wish I would be content with staying curled up in my room all day. Yet, I am tragically blessed that I get to live the life of both of these people, making me truly and extroverted introvert.

Alicia

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Life Update

Published on by Alicia3 Comments

Hi everyone, it’s still me (buddhisttvegann), I just did a little bit of vamping to my blog as in a new header, blog title, and URL, but it is still me. I won’t be changing my content or anything, same old same old. Just new.

So, I’ve been home from school for about a month and I just realized I haven’t said anything that’s going on in my life since April or before. I’ve finished my freshman year at San Diego State, did pretty well, and somewhat sort of deciding on attending to Arizona State. I really don’t want to but it seems I have no choice. I really don’t know what I’m going to do. But I have to decide quick, really quick. Because as of right now I have 9 weeks until I am supposed to go to Phoenix.

I also got a job, which I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, and am babysitting like there’s no tomorrow to make as much money as I can.

I have also decided to give up social media for the summer. I will still blog on here of course but I’ve deleted instagram, twitter, facebook, and snapchat and will probably keep this up all summer. I’m sick of people and the internet and can’t wait to see how this summer will be different. I’m sick of everyone being obsessed with social media as I was and it’s been nice for the past few days not being confined to my phone.

All for now,

Alicia

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