Tag: depression

Just kind of… meh

Published on by Alicia6 Comments

Good afternoon, just me again getting back into my old blogging routine. When I did my GearBunch pants review, I never really gave an excuse for being absent. I feel like I typically don’t. Besides the point, I was also thinking about what my self-love post should be for February since I said I wanted to continue writing them since I and all of you loved reading them. This is not necessarily a self-love per say, more like a self-realization post and calling myself out on some things that I do quite often and sort of just getting thoughts out on google docs I suppose.

I’ve been bad recently. Really bad. Mentally. I’ve been decent physically by working out, eating right (most of the time), drinking water, and otherwise. My sleep schedule not so great but I’m in college what do you expect?

I’m really struggling so much mentally right now and I have no idea who I can talk to about it. Like I feel like none of my friends I’m close enough to say that I’m struggling (or we’re in weird places and I just don’t know yet) and my family doesn’t really care so I’m just putting it all out here.

I don’t want sympathy or pity comments I just don’t know how else to share what I’m feeling other than by writing typing it out.

I’ve been crying a lot recently. A lot. Like every other day. I’ve also been keeping to myself more, seeing fewer people, spending more time in my room, cooped up, etc.

I’m struggling because I can’t tell if I’m unhappy or depressed. Like do I hate OU, do I have no friends, am I struggling to find a purpose? OR are my little brain molecules back to not producing? I  really can’t tell. I think it’s the latter because I have friends, and things I enjoy (not recently) and I love Ohio, but I’m just not sure about anything right now.

I want to go to therapy or something (my roommate and I talked about both of us going but she’s been really different this semester so I don’t know), but therapy doesn’t work for me because I lie and then my therapist thinks I’m fine and then sends me on my merry way.

I just really need someone in my life to be like ‘hey you’re going to be okay, you’ve got this’ but I truly don’t see that happening anytime soon.

So, in advance, if my posting is shitty in the coming weeks, I apologize, but I’m doing my best and right now I’m putting 1000% of my energy to getting out of bed, going to class, and getting work done and when there’s extra energy for seeing my friends, going to the gym, and blogging you’ll have a post.

I hope this all made sense

❤ Alicia ❤

How to beat Seasonal Depression

Published on by Alicia8 Comments

This is definitely a different sort of post. Not very festive, but still something I believe a lot of people may find beneficial. Let’s get to it

First off, you don’t. You will want to curl up under a blanket like a burrito for 5 days straight, sans a bra, sans a shower, with your door closed to the entire outer world.

You typically can’t get away with this during anytime of the year, let alone during the busiest time of the year. With trying to see all of your friends and family home for the holidays, buying last-minute gifts, and countless Christmas parties, there is no time to have a bad mental day… or 5.

Since you can’t technically ‘beat’ seasonal depression, here are a few ways to kickstart you from your funk and get you to see the people you love and do the things you love while you can.

  1. Take a shower: Something I never want to do when I’m depressed is shower. If you strip yourself of your clothes, let the warm water cascade down your body, smelling the scent of your soap and shampoo, you can remember that you can in fact, feel things.
  2. Think of all the good things the winter season brings: Hot chocolate, sledding, candy canes, snowball fights, and movie night-ins would not be as fun in June as they are right now.
  3. Buy some fun winter clothes: Not only is retail therapy my favorite thing to do in order to boost my mood, but adding color to your everyday wardrobe is sure to brighten up your life and mood.
  4. Workout: In the wise words of Elle Woods: “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.”
  5. Try something new: Dye your hair, paint your nails, get a piercing of a tattoo. Do something different with your life. This change will bring a new aspect to your life that not only you will love, but you’ll be sure to receive loads of compliments from friends and family.
  6. Get outside: One reason we seem to get depressed in the winter is we lock ourselves up in our houses because of the cold. We never want to leave the house in fear of getting pneumonia. Just hopping out of the house for a few minutes everyday gets you some much-needed Vitamin D and the Sun shining down just makes everyone happy.
  7. Journal: Writing down feelings is a good way to get them off your chest and out of your mind.
  8. Get adequate nutrition: During the winter especially with all the holiday family dinners and friend brunches, we forget to get the proper nutrition. Don’t forget to drink plenty of water, eat your veggies and you will without a doubt be happier.
  9. Add color to your life: Besides your colorful clothes, decorating your house with bright and cheery colors because when you see gray outside but bright colors everywhere else, your mood may boost.
  10. Listen to cheery music: Upbeat music always gets my mood boosted. Whenever I can feel my depression coming on, I listen to a pump up playlist to beat that feeling.

Never forget that you have people who love and care about you and that they will be devastated if you miss out on seeing them while you are home.

Alicia

Society Told Me

Published on by Alicia7 Comments

Yesterday was World Mental Health Day. It has exploded on twitter and it makes me smile to know that there are so many people in this world who struggle with the same issues that I do. It also makes me smile knowing that there are so many people speaking out about their illnesses despite society constantly dehumanizing us for having them.

Mental illnesses have always been something I struggled with. Although when I first started struggling I didn’t know they were called mental illnesses and I merely thought I was some emo freak who wanted to die for attention, because that’s what society told me.

I can remember the first time I ever thought about killing myself in seventh grade and how I thought  would never be happy. I remember thinking that I belonged in an insane asylum which is why it showed up in every single one of my seventh grade art projects. I laughed it off but secretly thought I belonged in one, because that’s what society told me. I can remember the first night I self-harmed and how I had to cover my arms and legs and stomach at all costs in fear of someone calling me out for being a freak and ostracizing me, because that’s what society told them to do. I can remember defending one of my friends for cutting and saying she was just like us. Each of them told me I was “as crazy as her” for saying something like that, and they were afraid she would kill herself because of the cutting, because that’s what society told them, that everyone who cuts is emo and will kill themselves.

Here I am, 7 years after I wanted to kill myself for the first time. I still do sometimes but I begin to realize that this feeling will pass and it won’t make anything better. I can remember the last time I ever self-harmed, a little bit over a year ago. I remember how happy I was when I was one-year self-harm free and how much I cried on that day because I never thought I would live to see that day.

Today I want society to piss off. Mental illnesses are normal. 1 in 4 people have them. The stigma behind mental illnesses needs to stop. If I post this anywhere, ever, I guarantee most people will not even believe this is something I struggle from, because unlike what society tells you, people who live with mental illnesses can function in everyday society just like those without.

The last thing anyone wants to hear is that it gets better, but the one thing everyone needs to hear is that you are not alone. I needed to hear that 7 seven years ago, I needed to hear that last night. World Mental Health Day exists for people who suffer from mental illnesses to know they are not alone. We may feel like it so often, but we aren’t. This day also exists so that we can end this stigma that accompanies mental illnesses. This stigma is the reason I waited 5 years to get help, the reason so many other wait that long or don’t get help at all. Society has dehumanized people with mental illnesses and this is our day, to show that we are humans and we are just as capable. Everyone fights their own battles, mine just take place inside of me.

kinda sad, kinda empty

Published on by AliciaLeave a comment

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*Let’s get this shitshow started* It’s been a while since I’ve posted. It’s been a while since I’ve even sat at my computer and written. It’s been a while since I’ve done anything remotely productive really.

There have been so many times in the past month to month and a half where I’ve opened up WordPress  and wanted to write, where I tried to write. I even started a post in my drafts a week or two ago, and just wasn’t motivated to finish it. Although I haven’t really been motivated to do much of anything recently, it’s whatever.

I stopped going to work almost entirely. In the last month that I was working I think I went 5 days. I was sick at first and then I was just encapsulated by my bed. I’ve been sleeping day in and day out. The left side of my face is littered with blemishes due to it spending so much time with my pillow. I sleep so much yet the bags under my eyes are more prominent than ever.  And if I wasn’t sleeping, I was moping and laying in bed, only emerging from my fortress to use the bathroom. Half the time I don’t know what day it is, despite it being displayed every time I tap the home button on my iPhone.

I’m not eating, drinking, exercising, I’m not doing anything. I’ve lost 8 pounds in the last month.

I’m depressed. I’m not sure why, but I am. Being at home makes me depressed. I have to be home for at least the next 4 months too. And to be completely and utterly honest with all of you, I don’t want to be depressed for the next 4 months.

It’s funny, at least I think it’s funny. I was sad and empty and depressed for years. It’s like I was trapped. I was hollow. It was as if every second of my life more of my insides were widdled away, until there was nothing left to hollow out.

Then I left my small Chicago suburb for San Diego and it was as if I had never been sad in my entire life. A weight, a forlorn weight, had been lifted off my shoulders and I was free. I was happy, I smiled. I smiled real smiles. I laughed real laughs.  I was truly happy. I don’t smile at home. At least not real smiles. I plaster on the occasional fake smile every once in a while so people don’t think I’m as desolate as I really am. The only things I laugh at now are pointless vines my sister shows me. And I am definitely not happy. I have been home for only 3 months and in those 3 months all of my happiness has diminished and it was like I had never gone to California in the first place.

My hair is brown. I dyed it the other day. I thought that would make me at least a little happy. It didn’t.

I haven’t washed my hair since we dyed it and the only reason I showered then was because I had to rinse the excess dye out. The shirt I’m wearing is dirty. I only put it on today so it looked like I showered and put on clothes. It has a stain on it from the last time I wore it(tea I think) and it has a stain I got on it from eating some leftover pasta at my 10:00 dinner tonight. My face is clean. It’s only clean because I found a face mask and wanted to try it. The mask said to apply to clean skin.

One of my eyebrows is tweezed. The other, I lost any spur to do it, so I didn’t. I haven’t worn a bra in days and I live in sweatpants now.

I’m not sure what this post is about. I really don’t. I don’t want pity. I don’t know what I want. It’s sort of just a life update post, a pretty pathetic one at that.

It’s 1:30 in the morning right now so I’m feeling kinda emo, but I just want to feel things. I don’t want this hollow feeling coursing through my body every second of the day. I want to be able to feel. I want to feel joy, rage, repugnance, dismay hell even melancholy.I just want to feel something, anything. Because right now this hollow pit  has encapsulated my entire being and is dragging me to places I don’t want to be dragged.

I just think I miss being happy, being able to feel. But until I get those abilities back, you can catch me laying in bed in week old sweatpants, unkempt hair, with my Shrek pillow pet.

Until next time
Alicia

She

Published on by AliciaLeave a comment

The feeling is one of an indescribable measure. How can you describe something where you feel so much but so little at the same time?

She washes over me a like a wave, engulfing me like a flame, bringing me down with her into that dark abyss. I can’t go back I tell her, I’ve come so far from where I once was. She doesn’t listen to me, she never does. I can never escape her, no matter how hard I try. She will always continue her chase. I try to run away but she takes my hand and drags me back down, farther back, deeper than I had ever been before.

I’m taking one step forward and five steps back. As I put on my mask of happiness for the day to cover the empty feeling writhing inside my very core, it’s back to my daily ritual. Masking my sorrow with a mask that looks almost as fake as it feels.

We all carry on with our days. People pass me by and I can’t help but wonder if they don masks too. What are they hiding? I can’t tell if I have mastered the art of hiding behind this pasted on mask or if no one cares enough to see that I’m falling apart behind it.

It’s obviously the latter she tells me. As the razor glides across my skin I look at myself and all I see is her. How did I get to this point? How did I let her envelop my very being, my entire self?

It has been years of struggle. Of letting her take me to rock bottom. This is the better life she assured me. I’m the only one who cares about you, she reiterates for the hundredth night in a row. As she caresses me every night in bed as I cry to her and tell her of my struggle, she is the only one who listens to me. She understands me, the only one who understands me. At a certain point, I start to agree with her. Maybe she’s right. Maybe she’s the only one who cares for me, understands me, loves me.

But how could that be? People say they love me. She tells me they are lying. That they feel bad for me. That she is the only one who truly cares. Day after day, I debate with what is right. Do I let her continue to love and cherish me, or do I try to get rid of her? How can I get rid of something that seems so natural, so needed. Maybe she needs me and I need her. That’s what she tells me anyway. That the two of us were went to be. And maybe she’s right.

Years of me trying to take control. Trying to loosen the grip she has on my life. Loosen the grip she has held for years. It works sometimes. Sometimes I can pry her long slender fingers from my arm and get free for a period of time. But, no matter what  I do, she always finds a way. She weasels her way back into my life. She creeps up on me when I least expect it. And she seizes me again. After I writhe in pain at her touch for a while, it becomes the norm again. She has done it again, gotten me under her spell, and despite my protests and cries for help, no one can hear me and she has total and complete control over me and my entire being.

Until next time,
Alicia

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