Just kind of… meh

Good afternoon, just me again getting back into my old blogging routine. When I did my GearBunch pants review, I never really gave an excuse for being absent. I feel like I typically don’t. Besides the point, I was also thinking about what my self-love post should be for February since I said I wanted to continue writing them since I and all of you loved reading them. This is not necessarily a self-love per say, more like a self-realization post and calling myself out on some things that I do quite often and sort of just getting thoughts out on google docs I suppose.

I’ve been bad recently. Really bad. Mentally. I’ve been decent physically by working out, eating right (most of the time), drinking water, and otherwise. My sleep schedule not so great but I’m in college what do you expect?

I’m really struggling so much mentally right now and I have no idea who I can talk to about it. Like I feel like none of my friends I’m close enough to say that I’m struggling (or we’re in weird places and I just don’t know yet) and my family doesn’t really care so I’m just putting it all out here.

I don’t want sympathy or pity comments I just don’t know how else to share what I’m feeling other than by writing typing it out.

I’ve been crying a lot recently. A lot. Like every other day. I’ve also been keeping to myself more, seeing fewer people, spending more time in my room, cooped up, etc.

I’m struggling because I can’t tell if I’m unhappy or depressed. Like do I hate OU, do I have no friends, am I struggling to find a purpose? OR are my little brain molecules back to not producing? I  really can’t tell. I think it’s the latter because I have friends, and things I enjoy (not recently) and I love Ohio, but I’m just not sure about anything right now.

I want to go to therapy or something (my roommate and I talked about both of us going but she’s been really different this semester so I don’t know), but therapy doesn’t work for me because I lie and then my therapist thinks I’m fine and then sends me on my merry way.

I just really need someone in my life to be like ‘hey you’re going to be okay, you’ve got this’ but I truly don’t see that happening anytime soon.

So, in advance, if my posting is shitty in the coming weeks, I apologize, but I’m doing my best and right now I’m putting 1000% of my energy to getting out of bed, going to class, and getting work done and when there’s extra energy for seeing my friends, going to the gym, and blogging you’ll have a post.

I hope this all made sense

❤ Alicia ❤

World Mental Health Day

Today is world mental health day. One year ago I made a post called “Society Told Me.” Today, that post still rings true and still hits close to home. Today I want to share that post again but change it up a little bit to share how I have changed in the past 365 days. I hope you enjoy.

This year, World Mental Health Day has once again exploded on Twitter. My friends, acquaintances, and social media influencers near or far remarking on their mental health struggles. Each time I see a tweet, or a photo, or a comment about any mental illness it makes me smile knowing there are so many people of all shapes, sizes, and colors from all corners of the Earth that struggle with the same issues that I do. I admire each and every one of you for speaking out about the struggles you face on a day to day basis, despite society constantly dehumanizing us for having them.

Mental illnesses have always been something I struggled with. Although when I first started struggling I didn’t know they were called mental illnesses and I merely thought I was some emo freak who wanted to die for attention, because that’s what society told me.

I can remember the first time I ever thought about killing myself in seventh grade and how I thought I would never be happy. I remember thinking that I belonged in an insane asylum which is why it showed up in every single one of my seventh-grade art projects. I laughed it off but secretly thought I belonged in one, because that’s what society told me.

I can remember the first night I self-harmed and how I had to cover my arms and legs and stomach at all costs in fear of someone calling me out for being a freak and ostracizing me, because that’s what society told them to do.

I can remember defending one of my friends for cutting and saying she was just like us. Each of them told me I was “as crazy as her” for saying something like that, and they were afraid she would kill herself because of the cutting, because that’s what society told them, that everyone who cuts is emo and will kill themselves.

I can remember when I last had a self-harm relapse. 306 days ago. I can remember thinking that I would never be clean again and that I would hurt myself forever. Because that’s what society told me.

I can remember being happy. How everyone said, “you’re smiling, you aren’t depressed.” people who have depression aren’t happy. They don’t smile. That’s what society told them.

But guess what. Depression doesn’t have a face. You can smile with friends during the day and cry yourself to sleep at night. I will say it again: Depression does not have a face. Mental illness does not have a face.

Here I am, 8 years after I wanted to kill myself for the first time. I’ll admit, I still do sometimes… yes even now. The feeling sometimes passes quicker than others, but I know it won’t make everything better.

Today I want society to piss off. Mental illnesses are normal. 1 in 4 people have them. Mental illnesses have no face, people who live with mental illnesses can function in everyday society just like those without. I  want society to stop romanticizing mental illnesses. Depression isn’t cute. Anxiety is not a trend. Suicide is not a good idea, no matter what society tells you.

The last thing anyone wants to hear is that it gets better, but the one thing everyone needs to hear is that you are not alone. I needed to hear that 8 years ago, I needed to hear that last night.

This day exists so that can be visible. We may feel alone often, but we aren’t. If you are struggling, get help, no matter how hard it is for you. I waited 5 years and every day I wish I had gotten it sooner. Get help before it’s too late.

Society has dehumanized people with mental illnesses and this is our day, to show that we are humans and we are just as capable. Everyone fights their own battles, mine just take place inside of me.

Get this… I like being alone

Nov. 21: What is the one thing you wish people better understood about something in your life?

I wouldn’t consider myself an extrovert, but I also wouldn’t consider myself an introvert either. I love spending time with my friends, family, etc. but only to an extent. I have never been one of those people who can spend every day of the week, weekend, summer, etc with their friends. After I use so much of my energy spending time with people, whether it be family or friends, I need a day or more to recuperate and regain my energy.

Not only do I need time to reenergize,  I also hate last minute plans. I am one of those people who definitely has plans for doing nothing and have allotted time in my week for doing so. If I am laying on the couch, watching TV or doing nothing at all and someone asks to hang out with me, I can’t say yes. I always make up some excuse that I have to go somewhere soon and that we should hang out that weekend or what not. It’s not that I don’t want to see that person, it’s just I am emotionally ready enough to leave the house and socialize.

People never seem to understand how I am not always ready to go somewhere and do something. I just really wish people wouldn’t question my need for doing these things and would accept this and simply try to make plans a day or two in advance.

Until tomorrow


NaBloPoMo Day 1

Nov 1st Prompt: When you’re having a bad day with your mental health, what do you do to help yourself?

This is actually a funny topic (not funny per say more like ironic) because I’ve actually been having a bad mental health couple of days recently and have done just about everything I know possible to help myself mentally.

Whenever I think of having a bad mental day, the only thing I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep all day. That’s nice to do every once in awhile, but when you have bad mental days as often as I do, it’s just not realistic.

The first thing I do is shower, or take a bath. Whenever I have a bad mental day, I typically cannot feel anything. I am basically the embodiment of an emotional void and the only thing that helps is feeling the warmth on my skin as the water cascades down my body. The cool air as I step out of the shower, and the same cold yet soothing feeling as I soothe lotion all over my body.

Once I’m soft and clean, I put on my comfiest pair of pajamas, twist my hair in a bun, and write. I write about my emptiness, I write about how I want to feel, I write about things that make me feel, anything. I listen to classical music to keep me calm and get my creative juices flowing.

While I write, I prepare some tea (Earl Grey is my personal fave). While my body still can’t feel emotion, the scalding tea reminds me that I do in fact, exist, and I’m alive. Just simply holding the mug, and letting the heat radiate onto my fingers, reminds me to feel.

I sometimes do other things like bake, work out, etc, but what I mentioned above is the gist of what I do most often. See you tomorrow


P.S. For everyone who wants to blog along… Here are the prompts for the week

Nov 1: When you’re having a bad day with your mental health, what do you do to help yourself?

Nov. 2: When was the last time you did something brave? What happened?

Nov. 3: If you could be completely honest with no regrets, what would you say and to whom?

Nov. 4: Which fall shows should totally be canceled already?

Nov 5: Free Write

Nov 6: Free Write