I got an email confirmation from WordPress a few weeks back saying that my URL was being renewed for another year. I couldn’t help but find it silly that 20 or so dollars came out of my account, and I hadn’t posted since I last got that email in November of 2021. My last post was in July 2021, and it was a catch-up post about my life. I had just moved into my first-ever apartment [which I still live in] and that was that. Nothing since. I’ve logged in a few times but every time I try to put finger to the keyboard, I’m overcome with anxiety that I should be doing something else: work, cleaning, sleeping, working out, walking my dog, etc. Why can’t I just do something [like read or write] because I want to? Why must there be a higher purpose? If I want to sit on my couch, watch Dance Moms, and write a little blog post for a few hundred people to read, then why can’t I??? My goal in 2023 is to take care of myself: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Blogging does a lot for my mental health, and it makes me feel like I have a bit of a purpose. So, here’s to writing at least one post a month. If I write more, fab, but 1 post a month is my goal in 2023 and that’s that. So, for the first time in over a year, grab a coffee, and let’s chat.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’m actually no longer drinking coffee. I kind of stopped drinking coffee in October? I drink it rarely but not daily like I was before. I really only drink tea now and I’m feeling good about this decision. I love Chai now!
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I was diagnosed with PCOS last January. It’s been awful and I have so many more questions, but I love the online support community that surrounds PCOS. I’m learning so much about my body through it which is good, but it truly sucks that my body doesn’t function like others do. I would love to start posting about it here 🙂
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’m reconsidering my profession. I think I’ve fallen out of love with teaching. It’s heartbreaking and I’m not sure if it’s my school or teaching, but I think a career change is in my future [that and my master’s degree for sure]. I’m having preemptive guilt because I love my coworkers and my students and the Spanish language and culture, but I come home every day exhausted [not to be mistaken for the lack of caffeine I’m drinking haha] and depressed. I don’t want to lead a life like that I’m not sure what’s in store for me next year but I really need to reevaluate my life and what’s important to me and see if teaching gets better for me.
If we were having coffee, I’d let it slide that I’m no longer vegan. WHAT?! Here’s the deal. I went vegan in 2015 when I was in the grips of an eating disorder. I used veganism as another method of starvation and ate protein bars, smoothies, and bananas, and called it a day. I maintained this veganism for 6 or so years, hating myself when I slipped up and ate something with milk in it. I made the decision for myself that right now, veganism is too restrictive for me. I am still vegetarian and will realistically never eat meat again. Once I work out all of my problems with food and body image and eating in general, maybe I’ll make my way back to being vegan, but right now, I need to not be as restrictive so I’m a happy little vegetarian at the moment and have been now for well over a year.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’m ready to leave Chicago. When I was little, I always dreamed of moving to LA or NYC. That dream is long over. I want a backyard and grass for my dog to play in. I want to be within 30 minutes of an airport but without the hustle and bustle of Chicago. I want to be able to find parking dammit! I want things to cost a little less money. I love Chicago and always will, but Chicago isn’t [and never was] permanent for me. I never pictured myself here post-grad and I’d love to be in a city that feels like home. I’m not sure when I’ll move but I do know that I’m not staying in my tiny little apartment forever [which is bittersweet].
I’m sure there is so much more but that’s what I have today. I miss writing dearly, and every time I do open a blank document, it feels right, like this is what I’m supposed to be doing.