Hello everyone and happy Thursday to you all. It is currently 12:29 am and I am frivolously typing away on my keyboard, my sleep deprived eyes drooping every few clicks of the keys.
My entire life I have never wanted to do one thing. I have never been that girl who has wanted to be a surgeon or a teacher or an artist since she was 6 years. I wasn’t that girl who applied to two schools because they had the major she wanted and great internship and job opportunities, pertaining to her major, upon graduation.
I was the girl who wanted to be a princess, an artist, an actress, a writer, a mathematician, an actuary, a business woman, a world traveler, a math teacher, a nutritionist, a marine biologist, an english teacher, and so many more by the time she was 18. I applied to over 15 schools because I couldn’t make up my mind about anything.
I always used to think this was because nothing interested me. I was a depression filled, anxiety ridden teen, who couldn’t be wooed by one thing or another.
It wasn’t that nothing interested me, it’s that everything interests me. There is not one thing I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, not because I want to do nothing, but because I want to do everything. I want to star in a hollywood production, see the aurora borealis, do someone’s taxes, invent something, learn about animals, and help a struggling teenager get into college.
There isn’t one job that fits me. I am a puzzle piece that fits into every puzzle while simultaneously doesn’t fit into any.
I think I keep thinking about this because I don’t want to transfer again. I need to pick Ohio or DePaul and I need to pick one soon. My grandfather keeps pressuring me to visit DePaul, call DePaul, look at DePaul’s website and so on, and it is making me want to rip my hair out.
What happens if I pick DePaul and then want to do something else with my life that DePaul doesn’t offer? Or if the same thing happens at Ohio.
As I lay in my blanket burrito, and as my anxious thoughts completely take over me, I wonder… why does no one else have this problem? Why did every single person I know apply to 5 or less colleges and then just pick one? No one transfered, no one waited until April 30th to make an admission decision, no one is laying in their bed, two years later trying to find a new school so they don’t make the same mistakes they had made two years prior.
The only sounds I hear are of a dog snoring next to me in bed (we are only watching her for a week… unfortunately) but inside my head is like a Final Four March Madness game.
Everyone keeps telling me that it doesn’t matter where you go to school, but let’s be honest… it does. I have to like it, it has to be affordable, and they have to have a major(s) that I like and want to pursue.
I like both schools and once I get financial aid we will talk about affordability. However, the latter, the majors are what I’m coping with. The difference in majors along with my inability to make a commitment and stand by it are the reasons I am still up at 12:48am with a loud and messy head.
I keep weighing the pros and cons. Both schools have pros. Both have cons. Both pros outweigh the cons and there isn’t one that stands out to me. I think I need to just go to DePaul one day and then see if I can get back to Ohio for a few days to really see if I can picture myself on either campus.
Sorry for all the rambling but writing is my way of thinking.
On the bright side, just about 2 weeks till Peru. I have begun packing, and am talking to a girl about going to Machu Picchu over Easter. Half of my life is stressing about college and the other half is pure joy about going to Peru and volunteering. I guess that’s compromise for you…