Deja Vu + a reflection

Happy Wednesday everyone! Spring is here and normally my basic self would be writing a Spring Bucket List, goals, or mixtape post. However, I’ve been really thinking about my self-love journey and after getting really great responses on my post from Monday, I figured I would talk more about it.

Self-love is something I’ve always struggled with… you all know that because I’ve talked about it… multiple times. Nonetheless, it’s important to discuss. I’ve been trying these little self-love tricks in the ‘fake it till you make it’ category by basically looking at myself every day and telling myself things I love about myself. Well, while telling myself I was beautiful and awesome and the coolest person ever on Monday, I had this terrible flashback to my sophomore year of high school.

My sophomore year was probably the peak of my self-confidence. I always say that I look my best is those photos and I think it’s because I was so confident and SO happy with myself and really truly loved myself.

One day, however, I had just said that I looked nice that one day (not sure why but who the hell cares… I probably looked hot as hell) and this girl Jessica literally said, “You really shouldn’t’ say that Alicia.” Ouch. Really ouch. Who was she to tell me that I couldn’t love myself or compliment myself? She probably meant it in a way that was like “it makes you seem cocky if you say you look good,” however, I took it in a way that said, “You look ugly so stop lying to yourself.” If that wasn’t a metaphorical punch in the gut I don’t know what was. But as I already said, ouch.

From that point on, I stopped telling myself that I looked nice and most occasions because obviously. I was ugly because Jessica told me not to compliment myself.

Because I stopped those daily pats on the backs, I began to not feel as good and really thought I was ugly. Was I ugly? Probably not. Did I feel ugly? Absolutely.

I really wanted to talk about my deja vu, however, I also wanted to reflect on what I say to others. Do I say seemingly harmless remarks about someone’s appearance or personality that cause them to do what I did? I sure hope not. However, I’m going to be keeping a close eye on what I say to others especially if it’s regarding them and their minds +bodies.

❤ Alicia ❤

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