What do you need to forgive yourself for?

This is one that I’ve deemed quite difficult to come up with.  I’m not too sure how much this has to do with self-love but it is something I need to forgive myself for nonetheless.

Almost 8 years ago my grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. We would drive down to my grandparents’ house every Sunday we could from the time she was diagnosed to the time she died, to get as much time with her as we could, however, at the time, I was unaware that this was why we frequented their house.

It was June, and we were having a party to celebrate the birthdays of myself, and my 2 cousins, whose birthdays are all within 2 weeks of each other. When it was time to go, we said our goodbyes and were heading out. I had already hopped in the car, buckled up, and was listening to some music on my iPod, when my dad came to the car and told me to say goodbye to my grandma.  I assured him that I’d done it already, yet he forced (harsh term but that’s how  I felt in the moment) me to go back inside and say goodbye again.

I sulked my way through the house to the back porch to where my grandma was sitting, lazily side hugged her, mumbled goodbye, and sulked back through the house to return to my seat awaiting me in the car.

It’s funny to me, at the time I thought I’d have thousands of more hugs from her, if not more, and that this one time wouldn’t be one of the last. Yet sitting here now, there isn’t one thing I wish I could do more than to hug her one last time.

I know this is something I may never forgive myself for, even though I need to. However, getting this out in the open is one step closer to forgiving myself, so all we can do it hope.

Until tomorrow

Alicia